Sunday, October 5, 2008

Confessions of a broken heart..

Hey guys,

sorry i haven't blogged for a while but i've had alot going on and it's been quite an emotional time for me. As you all know i had the big party coming up for my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary party coming up.. well it was last weekend. And it was one of the worst, most horrible weekends of my life.

Leading up to it was wonderful, seeing everyone, getting my hair and makeup done and wearing heels for the fiest time since i can remember was amzing and i looked HOT. Hotty McHotness from Hotsville. And that's the understatement of the year.. (i'll be sure not to go out in the wind anytime soon.. LOL !!)but we were running so late i didn't get any pictures..

Then the night went on, and i used to study singing so my mother bullied me into singing (even though my voice is damaged now and i can't really sing until i get it fixed) and so i started singing and got through a verse and a chorus (with my mum standing next to me saying "what's wrong with you.. you sound utterly fucking woeful..") so i just put some other music on and went outside and cried. And cried my eyes out.. and cried some more. I don't think i've ever felt such humiliation in my life.

I was teary before that though.. You see my nana has cancer. She's had it for about 5 years now. And it's aesophegial- so basically it's closing off her throat and the way she has to eat is basically the way us bandits do. She Pb's at every meal and forever gets stucks. So i saw her doing it in the middle of dinner and sent mum over to get her and take her to the bathroom. Then i went in to check on her and walked her back to the table and it really hit me how frail she is. And they think she has a secondary cancer now that's in her pancreas.. So i'm not really sure how much time she has left. And i can feel my heart breaking by the second. So i tried to stay strong for everyone else but behind closed doors i fell apart. Cried and cried and cried. Then i bought her a soecial present just from me and got her a card and wrote her a letter. I bought her two of those Wilow Tree Angels- and one of them is "forever in my heart." Here is the letter that i wrote for her-

"To dearest Nana,

I’m writing this to you because there are a lot of things that I want to say to you and need to say before it’s too late. I know you’ve been fighting for a very long time now and you’re tired, but I just wanted to write you a little something to let you know how much you mean to me- kind of like the confessions of a broken heart. Ever since I’ve been really little there have been two constant things in my life- You and Granddad. When I moved to Townsville it made it harder for me to come and visit but it doesn’t mean that I stopped thinking about you. I never have and I never will.. I think about you all the time and I would love to think that a lady of your class and calibre has inspired me to become who I am today and has influenced my life in ways that you don’t even know. Every time I’ve ever needed anything you’ve been there to support me and help pick me back up when I fall, and you’ve done it my whole life, even still, you’re thinking about how safe I’m going to be when you’re gone.. The only difference is that I’ll have to pick myself up without you. Words cannot express how happy I was for you to see me get married and have Charlie- I’m just sorry we aren’t closer and you can’t see her enough as you’d have liked to. I told you on the phone that Ryan wants to have another baby next year, and I’m desperately hoping that you’re here to meet the little one.. And down the track Ryan and I are going to renew our wedding vows which I want you here for as well- I don’t want you to give up, because I need you here with me as selfish as that is.. And even though you’re still here, even the very thought of you not being here is unimaginable. I know Saturday night was overwhelming for you but I hope you enjoyed it- we all tried our hardest to make it come off smoothly and hopefully you had a good night. I’m sorry my voice wasn’t up to singing for you, it was something that I particularly wanted to do for the both of you.. And the reason I got so upset was because I knew that I’d failed you both. I suppose I just want to say thankyou. Thankyou for everything you’ve ever done and everything you will continue to do. Thankyou for your support, your concern, your love and most of all for being you.I can’t tell you how I feel at the moment- seeing you this weekend and how sick and frail you are is breaking my heart by the second, and I’ve had to quite often slink off and have a cry to myself because I don’t want you to see me upset. I want you to be strong, and keep fighting, even though you’re tired I know you can win nana. You’re one of the most strong and capable women I know. But when the time does eventually come to say goodbye, (which I hope is a very long time coming..), I guess the only way to describe how I feel is like I am right now. Like an onion being peeled.. You just have to be me to understand how raw I am, and feel the layers slowly coming off.. As I said at the start, there’s not a day I don’t think about you and there’ll never be a day that I won’t. I will never stop and you’ll be forever in my heart. The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart- which is the way that I see the precious time we have together. And the reason that my heart is breaking.. All my love forever and a day.. Xx"

So i know this post hasn't much been about weight loss but mine's sitting constant at the moment at around 97.

I just wanted to share some other aspects of my life with you all.

So to love, to laughter and to happily ever after- but most of all to my grandparents, Anne and Don Hawkins- the lights of my life.


Bridget said...

You are you beautiful, kind, thoughtful woman who I am glad to have as a friend.
She knows sweetheart, she knows how much she means to you.
Weight is nothing. It's a number. So forget about it and focus on what's really important.
Love you lots....

Melanie said...

I just lurve (NOT) supportive mothers? It was obviously an emotional time for lots of reasons. I think your nan will really appreciate your letter - it was beautiful adn very heartfelt.