Thursday, October 23, 2008

Calling all bandits NATIONALLY !! I have a dream..

Hey guys,
I’m on a mission and I need help. Lots of people will be aware that September was the month to raise awareness for Ovarian Cancer and the theme for this particular cancer (like breast cancer is pink,) is silver- so they aptly gave the awareness campaign name this year "Silver in September." For those people who don't know about this particular type of cancer, it's a nasty one. By the time it's detected it's almost too late because there are no actual tests to make diagnosis properly... And these cancers tend to play hide and seek on ultrasounds and things like that. All us ladies go and have Pap Smears to check for nasty changes to our cervixes which can lead to cancer- but at the moment there's no type of test like a pap smear to test for ovarian cancer. (Pap smears DO NOT have anything to do with your ovaries at all- this test is not for the purpose of detecting changes to your ovaries.) So then I was thinking about this as I bought my silver pins and pens this year and had an idea...

Fellow bandits-I have a dream... that we can all unite and walk this baby. And I’m not talking part of it... The WHOOOOOOOLE thing!! I want all bandits across Australia (and anyone else you know that may be interested) to unite so we can get together for a nation wide meet and greet for one and to raise money for the Ovarian Cancer Research Foundation (OCRF) which is an organisation that has a goal to develop and implement an early detection program, to improve the mortality rate, management and long-term survival of women with ovarian cancer and to gain fundamental understanding of the causes of ovarian cancer.

For those of you who read my blog regularly you'll have read particular posts about the Gynae problems I have myself, which are severe and I was told last week that I may need a radical hysterectomy any old day to fix everything.. Just what you want to hear at the ripe old age of 23... But what I haven't mentioned in my blog is that I’ve lost several women in my family as well as friends to not only ovarian cancer, but cervical, breast and loads of other types as well- this is something that's close to my heart and I’m very passionate about. The mortality rate for this particular type of cancer is bordering on ridiculous and it has to stop.

Yes I am aware as pointed out to me already by a fellow bandit that Olivia Newton-John and many of her celebrity friends have just done this for breast cancer... Who cares? If we got together and did the hard yards it would have lots of advantages which I shall list now
- What is better exercise than walking that whole bloody wall the whole way across China?
- Everyone who knows someone who has, had or has died from cancer and definitely knows someone with ovaries.
- And the best part... drum roll... we get to raise awareness not only Ovarian cancer and the OCRF but for weight loss surgery and lap band in Australia!

Madison magazine Australia, Witchery and the NAB (which is where I got my pins and pens from) are behind this cause to kick it off and have run awareness/fundraising campaigns themselves in conjunction with the OCRF. Witchery and Madison have teamed up to promote the OCRF White Shirt Campaign. Check it out @

Now yes this is a big scale idea I know- but for those of you that talk to me frequently, I’m not in the habit of doing things in halves. If we're going to do this we're going to do it right so what I need is expressions of interest... It takes alot of time to organise a big scale event like this... And then we would need to save for airfares, travel expenses etc. as every single cent we raise will go to the OCRF- this is not a free holiday.

Who wants to join me walking the Great Wall of China to raise awareness for 2 worthy causes? Please email me at and make sure to check out as well.

If you're not doing this because you're a woman and you could possibly have a better chance of fighting this nasty disease off, or you think guys can't get involved, think again. Do it for your wife or your mother or your sister or you daughter or any other woman you know... Help keep their name off the next statistics list that comes out purely because they have ovaries and were unlucky enough to get stung with this disease. Enough is enough.

As you're thinking about this post I’ll be off trawling for a dress to wear for new years.. I've decided on a colour theme- Silver.

Sami Xx

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Opinions won't keep you warm at night

Hi guys !!!
so yesterday i went into one of the boutiques here in Townsvegas because i'd seen a dress in the window that i wanted to buy for inspiration- i actually want to be able to wear it to my work christmas party. So anyway i looked at the 12 and thought ok , that's more like a 10 it's so tiny so i asked the sales assistant (whom i'm presuming is the owner of the store) if it was possible or her to get me a 14 in the dress. She looked me up and down and said "well you'll need to put a deposit on it and know your size because you won't be able to return it if it doesn't fit." The way she treated me was abominable. Like i was fat scum who'd never be able to fit into anything in her store. To add to the embarrassment i was with my husband. I was ropeable. I vowed i'd never go into her stupid shop again and went straight home and called the flagship boutique in Sydney and got the dress directly through them. Congratulations you small minded Townsville bitch- your bad attitude and abominable customer service skills just talked you out of a $500 sale. Then i wrote an email to the designers customer relations unit suggesting that if they wish to sell their label in Townsville to switch boutiques. I was so so angry. But i'm so pleased i got the dress anyway ! =)

So this morning i got up and went for a walk- for an hour and a half. That woman has made me more determined than ever to fit into that bloody dress and look hot as. I just happened to take my digital camera and walk by her shop..;) But i walked up and down hills and just walked forever. And it felt great. And then tonight.. you'll never believe i did this. I went to a ballroom dancing class. I love it. Absolutely love it. I looked like a bit of a spastic but everyone was telling me how great i was considering it was my first time. And they were so so nice. And a workout.. Oh my god. Amazing !!!!! I strongly recommend it !!!! I'm going to go to the social classes for a few weeks and see if i get a bit better on my feet but i love it and it's great exercise.. Done the calculations and i'm thinking that i'm going to need to invest in some ballroom dance shoes !!!!

Keep up the great work everyone.
Sami Xx


Monday, October 20, 2008

Tumble outta bed and i stumble to the kitchen, pour myself a cup of ambition !

Hey guys,
well big news, i managed to eat dinner !! I made really sloppy shepherds pie and to my delight didn't PB it. Exciting !!!! I took a couple of pics so you could see what i look like at 97 kg. Getting there.. Changed my goal weight back to 65 i'm thinking.. I shall see how i go. Please excuse the orangeness of me in these pics- i am aware i look like an oompa loompa and the camera has made me look orange but i don't look like this in real life. Promise !!!! I was a sray tan virgin til i went and got one in Cairns on Friday. And a brazillian.. For the first time ever. How liberating !!!! It's kind of like how chicks used to burn their bras in the 60's.. lol.

So i'm slowly starting to be able to eat again but i'm also trying to kick up the exercise. Decided i want to make myself over Delta Goodrem Style so went to the hairdresser today and i'm blonder. But the best part of the story is that i walked there !! And all the way home as well !!!!! I'm still admittedly having trouble eating though so tomorrow i'm going to go on optifast for a couple of weeks. My body is re-shaping but not losing anything on the scales. Oh and tomorrow i'm going to go to the gym and do body balance. Should be interesting !!!

Thankyou so much to everyone reading my blog and for your lovely comments. They keep me going.. Although i must admit vanity is starting to kick in as well :P

Sami Xx

Ps. I am so SO in love with yellow clothes at the moment.. Loving it. Love pretty little yellow dresses so much i'd have sex with them if i could. LOL !!


Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Hormonal or Drug related ?

Hey guys !!!

well sorry again i haven't posted for so long. I've been up in Cairns for a wedding and visiting the grandparents because my husband is STILL in germany so no point being at home. The scales have moved very slowly but i tell you what- i haven't been able to eat anything for a few days. I'm thinking that it's that time of the month (not sure cos my cycle is so random) and perhaps my band has tightened cos i've read on other people's blogs that theirs do that due to their hormones. Orrrrrr the other alternative is that perhaps it's the antidepressants i'm on. My Dr did mention that they may do this. So i'm guessing it's happening. Which isn't overly fun. Every single bloody thing i put in my mouth that isn't a liquid i pb !!!!! So unfun !!!

But.. Official announcement. i'm a size 16 !!!!! i'm no longer that yukky in between size !!!!!

I'm thinking because i'm so weak i'll go on opti for a week or two.. See if that helps.. At the moment all i want to do it sleep alllll day which i can't do because my grandparents are sick. So fingers crossed for me everyone that the opti helps pick me back up.

How's everyone else out in band land doing ?

Sami Xx

Ps. I went to a wedding on Saturday night (which was gorgeous.. i'm so pleased for my friends Emma and Josh!!) and then i went to the clubs afterwards... see the pics above !!

Pps. Still a hell of a long way to go... 28 kilos in fact. but getting there slowly and surely..


Sunday, October 5, 2008

Confessions of a broken heart..

Hey guys,

sorry i haven't blogged for a while but i've had alot going on and it's been quite an emotional time for me. As you all know i had the big party coming up for my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary party coming up.. well it was last weekend. And it was one of the worst, most horrible weekends of my life.

Leading up to it was wonderful, seeing everyone, getting my hair and makeup done and wearing heels for the fiest time since i can remember was amzing and i looked HOT. Hotty McHotness from Hotsville. And that's the understatement of the year.. (i'll be sure not to go out in the wind anytime soon.. LOL !!)but we were running so late i didn't get any pictures..

Then the night went on, and i used to study singing so my mother bullied me into singing (even though my voice is damaged now and i can't really sing until i get it fixed) and so i started singing and got through a verse and a chorus (with my mum standing next to me saying "what's wrong with you.. you sound utterly fucking woeful..") so i just put some other music on and went outside and cried. And cried my eyes out.. and cried some more. I don't think i've ever felt such humiliation in my life.

I was teary before that though.. You see my nana has cancer. She's had it for about 5 years now. And it's aesophegial- so basically it's closing off her throat and the way she has to eat is basically the way us bandits do. She Pb's at every meal and forever gets stucks. So i saw her doing it in the middle of dinner and sent mum over to get her and take her to the bathroom. Then i went in to check on her and walked her back to the table and it really hit me how frail she is. And they think she has a secondary cancer now that's in her pancreas.. So i'm not really sure how much time she has left. And i can feel my heart breaking by the second. So i tried to stay strong for everyone else but behind closed doors i fell apart. Cried and cried and cried. Then i bought her a soecial present just from me and got her a card and wrote her a letter. I bought her two of those Wilow Tree Angels- and one of them is "forever in my heart." Here is the letter that i wrote for her-

"To dearest Nana,

I’m writing this to you because there are a lot of things that I want to say to you and need to say before it’s too late. I know you’ve been fighting for a very long time now and you’re tired, but I just wanted to write you a little something to let you know how much you mean to me- kind of like the confessions of a broken heart. Ever since I’ve been really little there have been two constant things in my life- You and Granddad. When I moved to Townsville it made it harder for me to come and visit but it doesn’t mean that I stopped thinking about you. I never have and I never will.. I think about you all the time and I would love to think that a lady of your class and calibre has inspired me to become who I am today and has influenced my life in ways that you don’t even know. Every time I’ve ever needed anything you’ve been there to support me and help pick me back up when I fall, and you’ve done it my whole life, even still, you’re thinking about how safe I’m going to be when you’re gone.. The only difference is that I’ll have to pick myself up without you. Words cannot express how happy I was for you to see me get married and have Charlie- I’m just sorry we aren’t closer and you can’t see her enough as you’d have liked to. I told you on the phone that Ryan wants to have another baby next year, and I’m desperately hoping that you’re here to meet the little one.. And down the track Ryan and I are going to renew our wedding vows which I want you here for as well- I don’t want you to give up, because I need you here with me as selfish as that is.. And even though you’re still here, even the very thought of you not being here is unimaginable. I know Saturday night was overwhelming for you but I hope you enjoyed it- we all tried our hardest to make it come off smoothly and hopefully you had a good night. I’m sorry my voice wasn’t up to singing for you, it was something that I particularly wanted to do for the both of you.. And the reason I got so upset was because I knew that I’d failed you both. I suppose I just want to say thankyou. Thankyou for everything you’ve ever done and everything you will continue to do. Thankyou for your support, your concern, your love and most of all for being you.I can’t tell you how I feel at the moment- seeing you this weekend and how sick and frail you are is breaking my heart by the second, and I’ve had to quite often slink off and have a cry to myself because I don’t want you to see me upset. I want you to be strong, and keep fighting, even though you’re tired I know you can win nana. You’re one of the most strong and capable women I know. But when the time does eventually come to say goodbye, (which I hope is a very long time coming..), I guess the only way to describe how I feel is like I am right now. Like an onion being peeled.. You just have to be me to understand how raw I am, and feel the layers slowly coming off.. As I said at the start, there’s not a day I don’t think about you and there’ll never be a day that I won’t. I will never stop and you’ll be forever in my heart. The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart- which is the way that I see the precious time we have together. And the reason that my heart is breaking.. All my love forever and a day.. Xx"

So i know this post hasn't much been about weight loss but mine's sitting constant at the moment at around 97.

I just wanted to share some other aspects of my life with you all.

So to love, to laughter and to happily ever after- but most of all to my grandparents, Anne and Don Hawkins- the lights of my life.