Sunday, January 18, 2009

At seventeen i learned the truth..

Happy New Year Readers !!!

I haven't posted for a while because nothing has been going on on the weight front. I've gone back to work full time, been pms'ing like a bitch, been eating crap and not doing any exercise. I felt the urge to write tonight though cos i was talking to one of our fellow bandits Bridget *shoutout to Bridget !!* about the journey in general.

The conversation was how different you become after having the band- and basically how distanced you are from your friends.. Bridget was saying that she's noticed this since banding but i've known the disappointment and heartache my whole life.

As far as the friends thing though i realised the difference when i got married and was pregnant at 19. Now i'm 23 and i feel like i'm a hundred because i've had to grow up in the head really quickly. My old friends "the girls" and i are no longer compatible because i can't go out and get fucked off my face anymore and just root randoms. Bridget's found it more apparent since having the band (which i can relate to also..) But it isn't just then, i said to her, i've felt different my whole life because people have made me feel that way about my weight. It's affected everything i've ever done- example, i've sung my whole life.. And in high school we did musicals as they do, so i auditioned for this part in the play, it wasn't a big one but it had a vocal solo so that was good enough for me- it was kind of a musical version of "A Midsummernight's Dream." I had the director say to my face "you're too pretty for the part you've auditioned for.. but you're too fat for the lead.. but we do need your voice so you can go in the chorus to support it vocally."

Things like that really cut deep, and growing up learning the industry i intended to be in i suppose you had to learn those hard truths early. Still doesn't make it any easier though..
And to this day the song that describes my life the most is "At Seventeen" by Janis Ian. If i'm ever lucky enough to meet any of you i'll sing it for you.. I rock it at Karaoke !!

I suppose what i'm trying to say is we've all had similar journeys to get us to the path we're all travelling together, but at the end of the day if you're happy with yourself that's all you can ask for- and i know that that's where we're all trying to be at and personally, i know that i'm forging greater friendships with each and every banded person i've met and regularly talk to than i have in my whole life.

Stay strong,
Sami Xx



Melanie said...

Wow, you story rings lots of bells in my school memories etc. I think the entertainment industry is particularly harsh on bigger women - look at that poor Casey woman who won Idol. Good on you for standing strong and recognising all this at such a young age.

Bridget said...

I get you. Totally, utterly and devastatingly.
I've never had good, proper decent friends. I've never ever fit in. Never had it. The friends I did have pre banding weren't really friends. Just people I hung around when I had to. I isolated myself mostly.
So first time ever I have friends. Friends that I adore. You, my dear, are one of them that life wouldn't be the same without. I adore you. And thank the heavens I have you!