Tuesday, March 16, 2010

It's gonna be alright.. Cos i'm alright with me it's gonna be..

I have so much to tell you- yet at the same time everything seems so insignificant....

I've not updated since December as you can see and if i tried to tell you everything that's been going on with me we'd be here for years. My grandad died in December and i think that that was honestly the hardest week of my life. I was in Sydney when he passed so i didn't get to see him or say goodbye which was hard. We had a bond that was like no other- it was indescribable. He was like my father, and so much so he even gave me away at my wedding so it was really hard. I had to drive from Sydney to Cairns for the funeral and then i had to sing. I really do not know how i managed that- i thought I'd be ok.. And i got in there and i sang. It wasn't the best I've ever sounded in my life but there was no embarrassment or humiliation because it wasn't perfect- I did it for him.. I didn't cry- i got through the whole song. But then at the end of the very last note i just broke down. I couldn't hold it in any longer. And because I'd been trying to block out that he was gone it made it worse. I viewed his body as well which i wasn't intending on doing. It didn't even look like him. I miss him so so much. And one thing I'll never forget is the look on my grandmothers face after she put the rose on the coffin.. It was like she was in excruciating pain- in utter agony- like we all were only magnified a billion times after 51 years of marriage.

So we buried him the week before Christmas and then in between the funeral and Christmas was charlie's birthday so it was just sucky. Trying to be happy yet having your heart just ache and feel like it's been smashed to pieces...

Then a month after my grandad died my Nana gets admitted to hospital- to the ward where grandad died and everyone psyches out and she needs a valve replaced in her heart. Only they won;t do it because she had cancer but the oncologist has cleared her of that now which is great and that was the provision- no cancer=surgery for heart. But now magical QLD health are back peddling. They told her in hospital that if she didn't have the surgery she'd be dead in 6 months and i spoke to my mum this morning and she said she can't do anything by herself- we'll be lucky if she lasts til April.

While all this has been going on i started back at work- i won't write about that because it just sucks balls. I've even updated my employer on facebook to "cunt central." LOL !!!

Now- to the band. As of last Wednesday I'm banded no more !!!! Hallelujah ! I booked an appointment with my surgeon because i knew there was something wrong and i was over the band anyway. Someone who's been banded 2 years should not weigh 120kg. I'm sorry, but no. So i booked in to discuss the gastric sleeve with my surgeon. He made me go and have a gastrograph beforehand to assess the band position which i did (and nearly spewed all over x-ray....) and then the following week i saw him. The receptionist said to me go in there and be strong and i said to her does he not want to do it ? And she said oh 50/50.... Until he saw my gastrograph. It turns out the band was in perfect position however it was dilating my oesophagus- so long story short the band has to come out and he suggested the sleeve. So we allllll win !

But now- for the most exciting bit ! Less than a wk after seeing the surgeon i get called up to have my band removed early so i had the band removed 6 days after seeing my Dr instead of 3 weeks which was a quick date anyway. So now i can be sleeved in June instead of July and I'm one happy chappy ! Bring it on. I'm sick of being a fat moll and constantly feeling like shit all the time. I'm keen to get back on track so roll on June !

I'm thinking having the band removed was the best thing i could ever do for myself. I did have a best friend with the band however our association has now ended which is probably a good thing. After seeing her behaviour of late and how quickly she could turn on someone who presented a possibility to her it's clear to me that our friendship would never last anyway. Now she can find someone else to put up with her instability and drama cos I'm more over it than techno. And i don't need someone to bounce band ideas off anymore cos i don't have one. Hoorah !!!

Hello to my new crew ! Particularly my ladies beginning with the initial A. Love ya !

I'm off to enjoy my last day off in the sweltering Townsville heat. It's good to be home but i miss my friends on the central coast alot- I'll be back to visit soon my pretties !!!

Til next time- which will be soon !

Love love,

Sami Xx

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