What the FUCK Buffalo Bill ???!!!!

Ok so i went and got some fill out today and i thought i had 6.5ml in.. And i always confirm how much i have after i have a fill.. So i rolled up to X-Ray this afternoon to get some fill out and the fill Dr said to me ök so you have 7.2 ml in.." and i was like what the fuck ? I'm getting pretty pissed off with my surgeon and the whole situation there just quietly. Everytime i need a fill or an adjustment i can't get in to see him no matter how urgent it is. Same with the fill dr. It's getting beyond a joke. And their record keeping is attrocious !! I'm disgusted after today's effort , particularly because now i don't know where i'm upto in regards to fill.. Hopefully the ml out will do the trick though, i'm hoping..

Sami Xx

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underfill, overfill, underfill, overfill..

I feel like shit.

I hear you asking why ? Cos i can't eat. My bitch band has been playing holy hell allllllll week and i've basically been living on coke and icecream (which the scales LOVE..sarcasm!!) So i'm underfilled at 6.0 and i'm overfilled at 6.5. Go figure. If i had of known the band would be this tempramental when i got it done (nearly a year ago..) i'm not sure i would have done it. Sure it's helped me loads.. Which i acknowledge readily, however i still have aLOT of work to do on my head and changing my liftstyle. That definitely needs to be the next step. Making positive changes for the long term !

Just a quick one tonight because i'm reallllllllllly tired, but i hope everyone else is keeping well.
Post soon,
Sami Xx

Ps. getting some fill out tomorrow. Finalllllllllllllllly !!!!

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At seventeen i learned the truth..

Happy New Year Readers !!!

I haven't posted for a while because nothing has been going on on the weight front. I've gone back to work full time, been pms'ing like a bitch, been eating crap and not doing any exercise. I felt the urge to write tonight though cos i was talking to one of our fellow bandits Bridget *shoutout to Bridget !!* about the journey in general.

The conversation was how different you become after having the band- and basically how distanced you are from your friends.. Bridget was saying that she's noticed this since banding but i've known the disappointment and heartache my whole life.

As far as the friends thing though i realised the difference when i got married and was pregnant at 19. Now i'm 23 and i feel like i'm a hundred because i've had to grow up in the head really quickly. My old friends "the girls" and i are no longer compatible because i can't go out and get fucked off my face anymore and just root randoms. Bridget's found it more apparent since having the band (which i can relate to also..) But it isn't just then, i said to her, i've felt different my whole life because people have made me feel that way about my weight. It's affected everything i've ever done- example, i've sung my whole life.. And in high school we did musicals as they do, so i auditioned for this part in the play, it wasn't a big one but it had a vocal solo so that was good enough for me- it was kind of a musical version of "A Midsummernight's Dream." I had the director say to my face "you're too pretty for the part you've auditioned for.. but you're too fat for the lead.. but we do need your voice so you can go in the chorus to support it vocally."

Things like that really cut deep, and growing up learning the industry i intended to be in i suppose you had to learn those hard truths early. Still doesn't make it any easier though..
And to this day the song that describes my life the most is "At Seventeen" by Janis Ian. If i'm ever lucky enough to meet any of you i'll sing it for you.. I rock it at Karaoke !!

I suppose what i'm trying to say is we've all had similar journeys to get us to the path we're all travelling together, but at the end of the day if you're happy with yourself that's all you can ask for- and i know that that's where we're all trying to be at and personally, i know that i'm forging greater friendships with each and every banded person i've met and regularly talk to than i have in my whole life.

Stay strong,
Sami Xx

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Ho Ho Ho.. Merry Christmas !

Merry Christmas everyone !!!

I'm so glad it's over. I'm still in Cairns at the house of horrors and have been lazing around like a sloth. But i didn't put on anything over the silly season so that pleases me greatly !! I'm back to 95 even so it's creeping back down. The next thing on the agenda to think about i suppose is a New Year's Resolution.. Time flies when you're having fun.

One thing i have definitely noticed is that since i stopped exercising i've turned to slop. Complete and utter slop. So the next 30 Kilos is going to be alllll about exercise i'm thinking. And toning. Ryan wants me to start doing free weights too which isn't as crazy as it sounds either, apparently if you do free weights before you eat in the morning it speeds up your metabolism ten fold. Worth a crack. Only problem is i'm weak and picked up a 5 kg dumbbell in the sports store yesterday and nearly fell over. LOL !!!!!!

The family situation is yet to improve.. i am so so so so so so angry. I'll speak openly about my band with anyone that wants to hear it- except for one member of my family. I specifically did not want this person to know i'd had the band, so my mother told them that i was considering it but i was refused by the surgeon due to my gynae problems..

So last night my grandfather, in all his wisdom let it slip, which realllllllllly pisses me off when i've gone to such great lengths to keep it from her. To make matters worse this person has moved back to townsville. But what makes it worse was that i was talking to her like 4 days ago saying i HADN'T had the band cos of what my mum had told her.. Now i look like a complete and utter liar. You probably think i'm being petty but i'm furious and have now locked myself in the bedroom.

I can't wait to go home...

Sami Xx

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Hi, My name is Sam and i like to eat my feelings.. And i wonder why ??!!!!!

So this trip is just getting better. My lovely mother last night pulled me into her bedroom because she had bought me some pants for christmas and wanted me to try them on. These pants were the same as she was wearing.. And were grandma pants. Bridget Jones style i'm talking. So i halfheartefly pulled on the pants and as i suspected they looked fucken terrible. I'm one of these people with horridly expressive faces, so my disappointment was obviously not easily concealed.

When she saw it written all over my face how much i hated these silly pants she said to me well i'm so sick of what you wear now- you have a roll of fat on your stomach (which i do.. and will get sucked out and cut off when i get to goal !!!) and i'm a fat sloppy pig apparently. This coming from a woman who has not got her hair done or had a shred of makeup put on her bootleather face this side of 1976. Stupid bitch. My mother or not, how dare she be so callous. I've lost alot of weight and have a lot of problems that prevent me from losing more, but last night i came to a conclusion. One that has been dancing around in the back of my mind for a very long time but that i consciously did not want to accept.

Nothing i ever do will ever be good enough for her. No decision i make will ever be right.

Something she'll just have to live with suppose, like all the other crappy decisions i've made that she's forced on me.. But that's another story.

Twilight tonight, oh Edward..!!!! Anyone know a good agent ? I want to audition for Breaking Dawn. And i'm utterly serious !!!!

Sami Xx

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Sami.. Needs to remember that Jesus is the reason for the season

Right- so my weight isn't moving. In fact, it's gone back up. Merry fucking christmas.

And i'm in Cairns with the family menagerie. I use that term because that's what it's like. So now i'm locked in the bedroom @ my grandparents place because my aunt is a total crack whore and we've been fighting. This is how it went down. I've been reading her books.. The twilight series. So this morning she went at me because she said i'd dog eared the pages in her book. Which then made me retalliate with something along the lines of "shove your fucking book fair up your arse.. I'll buy my own." And then it just escalated from there. Yes not ideal and not the way to respect my elders i am aware, however, she is a bitch.. I can't stand her, the whole family hates her and the only reason we're even remotely nice to her is because she lives with my grandparents and i don't want to upset them. She, on the other hand, is going to be a very VERY lonely woman when they die. I'm trying to remain composed and remember that jesus is the reason for the season and we need to celebrate and be happy and all that jazz, but her behaviour is just abominable.

On a brighter note, it was my daughter's birthday yesterday.. She's so gorgeous. I still don't know how i managed to have such a beautiful girl. It amazes me. And i definitely cannot believe she is 3 !!!!!! The party on the other hand was a complete disaster.. Thanks again to my lovely aunt..

I think i need some cheering up. Maybe i'll go see Twilingt (Swoooon..) AGAIN !! Tomorrow night.

Sami Xx

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Sami- They call me the wild rose..

Hi Everyone !!!
I want to start by thanking everyone on the lovely comments about my hair !! Everyone loves it.. But me. So i regret to say, it will NOT be staying. For someone who regards themselves so highly as a fashionista sista it is definitely a faux pas and a half !! Thinking i might spend some time with my natural colour until iget to goal weight which i've not done in years !!

Which brings me to my next topic.. The fill. So i had 6.25 ml in my band and i was underfilled.. So rolled up to the surgeon on Tuesday and he said righto you couldn't eat last time at 6.5ml so i'll put that back in and see how you go. I'm going the same. SHIT !!!!!!!!!!! Today i pb'd hardcore at lunchtime. So i'm just going to have to take it easy and chew chew chew !!! That surgeon makes me laugh though. He said to me when i walked in "Sam, you've put on weight.." Why thankyou for the newsflash captain obvious !!! The scales and i are BFF so it's not like i was oblivious or anything. Bloody Dr's. On the upside it seems the bleeding is beginning to subside so i need to get my arse into gear with the exercising ! I was told by a friend of mine that rollerblading is excellent, however on the other hand i was told that swimming was better. Now i'm confused.. Does anybody really know for sure ?

I'm on holidays now and i couldn't be happier. I've been so so stressed from work it's ridiculous. I lost my appeal so now i have to go and fight it out through the merit protection commission.. Basically because my ex manager is a lying crack whore. But that's ok, the truth will come out in the end. It always does.

At the moment i'm on team Twilight. I've done some calculations and i need to find a town like Forks to move to where there's never any sun- i'd be perfect with my stupid english skin. I might audition for the next movie.. And the war has been waged between Bridget and i for Rob Pattinson's heart. Swoooon.. LOL !!!!

Well i best be off- i'm presently googling accommodation in Tamworth for the country music festival.. Which Bridget will be attending. Which reminds me i must also find a hot sexy pair of cowgirl boots.. LOL !!!!

Talk soon,
Sami Xx

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