Opinions won't keep you warm at night

Hi guys !!!
so yesterday i went into one of the boutiques here in Townsvegas because i'd seen a dress in the window that i wanted to buy for inspiration- i actually want to be able to wear it to my work christmas party. So anyway i looked at the 12 and thought ok , that's more like a 10 it's so tiny so i asked the sales assistant (whom i'm presuming is the owner of the store) if it was possible or her to get me a 14 in the dress. She looked me up and down and said "well you'll need to put a deposit on it and know your size because you won't be able to return it if it doesn't fit." The way she treated me was abominable. Like i was fat scum who'd never be able to fit into anything in her store. To add to the embarrassment i was with my husband. I was ropeable. I vowed i'd never go into her stupid shop again and went straight home and called the flagship boutique in Sydney and got the dress directly through them. Congratulations you small minded Townsville bitch- your bad attitude and abominable customer service skills just talked you out of a $500 sale. Then i wrote an email to the designers customer relations unit suggesting that if they wish to sell their label in Townsville to switch boutiques. I was so so angry. But i'm so pleased i got the dress anyway ! =)

So this morning i got up and went for a walk- for an hour and a half. That woman has made me more determined than ever to fit into that bloody dress and look hot as. I just happened to take my digital camera and walk by her shop..;) But i walked up and down hills and just walked forever. And it felt great. And then tonight.. you'll never believe i did this. I went to a ballroom dancing class. I love it. Absolutely love it. I looked like a bit of a spastic but everyone was telling me how great i was considering it was my first time. And they were so so nice. And a workout.. Oh my god. Amazing !!!!! I strongly recommend it !!!! I'm going to go to the social classes for a few weeks and see if i get a bit better on my feet but i love it and it's great exercise.. Done the calculations and i'm thinking that i'm going to need to invest in some ballroom dance shoes !!!!

Keep up the great work everyone.
Sami Xx

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Tumble outta bed and i stumble to the kitchen, pour myself a cup of ambition !

Hey guys,
well big news, i managed to eat dinner !! I made really sloppy shepherds pie and to my delight didn't PB it. Exciting !!!! I took a couple of pics so you could see what i look like at 97 kg. Getting there.. Changed my goal weight back to 65 i'm thinking.. I shall see how i go. Please excuse the orangeness of me in these pics- i am aware i look like an oompa loompa and the camera has made me look orange but i don't look like this in real life. Promise !!!! I was a sray tan virgin til i went and got one in Cairns on Friday. And a brazillian.. For the first time ever. How liberating !!!! It's kind of like how chicks used to burn their bras in the 60's.. lol.

So i'm slowly starting to be able to eat again but i'm also trying to kick up the exercise. Decided i want to make myself over Delta Goodrem Style so went to the hairdresser today and i'm blonder. But the best part of the story is that i walked there !! And all the way home as well !!!!! I'm still admittedly having trouble eating though so tomorrow i'm going to go on optifast for a couple of weeks. My body is re-shaping but not losing anything on the scales. Oh and tomorrow i'm going to go to the gym and do body balance. Should be interesting !!!

Thankyou so much to everyone reading my blog and for your lovely comments. They keep me going.. Although i must admit vanity is starting to kick in as well :P

Sami Xx

Ps. I am so SO in love with yellow clothes at the moment.. Loving it. Love pretty little yellow dresses so much i'd have sex with them if i could. LOL !!

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Hormonal or Drug related ?

Hey guys !!!

well sorry again i haven't posted for so long. I've been up in Cairns for a wedding and visiting the grandparents because my husband is STILL in germany so no point being at home. The scales have moved very slowly but i tell you what- i haven't been able to eat anything for a few days. I'm thinking that it's that time of the month (not sure cos my cycle is so random) and perhaps my band has tightened cos i've read on other people's blogs that theirs do that due to their hormones. Orrrrrr the other alternative is that perhaps it's the antidepressants i'm on. My Dr did mention that they may do this. So i'm guessing it's happening. Which isn't overly fun. Every single bloody thing i put in my mouth that isn't a liquid i pb !!!!! So unfun !!!

But.. Official announcement. i'm a size 16 !!!!! i'm no longer that yukky in between size !!!!!

I'm thinking because i'm so weak i'll go on opti for a week or two.. See if that helps.. At the moment all i want to do it sleep alllll day which i can't do because my grandparents are sick. So fingers crossed for me everyone that the opti helps pick me back up.

How's everyone else out in band land doing ?

Sami Xx

Ps. I went to a wedding on Saturday night (which was gorgeous.. i'm so pleased for my friends Emma and Josh!!) and then i went to the clubs afterwards... see the pics above !!

Pps. Still a hell of a long way to go... 28 kilos in fact. but getting there slowly and surely..

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Confessions of a broken heart..

Hey guys,

sorry i haven't blogged for a while but i've had alot going on and it's been quite an emotional time for me. As you all know i had the big party coming up for my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary party coming up.. well it was last weekend. And it was one of the worst, most horrible weekends of my life.

Leading up to it was wonderful, seeing everyone, getting my hair and makeup done and wearing heels for the fiest time since i can remember was amzing and i looked HOT. Hotty McHotness from Hotsville. And that's the understatement of the year.. (i'll be sure not to go out in the wind anytime soon.. LOL !!)but we were running so late i didn't get any pictures..

Then the night went on, and i used to study singing so my mother bullied me into singing (even though my voice is damaged now and i can't really sing until i get it fixed) and so i started singing and got through a verse and a chorus (with my mum standing next to me saying "what's wrong with you.. you sound utterly fucking woeful..") so i just put some other music on and went outside and cried. And cried my eyes out.. and cried some more. I don't think i've ever felt such humiliation in my life.

I was teary before that though.. You see my nana has cancer. She's had it for about 5 years now. And it's aesophegial- so basically it's closing off her throat and the way she has to eat is basically the way us bandits do. She Pb's at every meal and forever gets stucks. So i saw her doing it in the middle of dinner and sent mum over to get her and take her to the bathroom. Then i went in to check on her and walked her back to the table and it really hit me how frail she is. And they think she has a secondary cancer now that's in her pancreas.. So i'm not really sure how much time she has left. And i can feel my heart breaking by the second. So i tried to stay strong for everyone else but behind closed doors i fell apart. Cried and cried and cried. Then i bought her a soecial present just from me and got her a card and wrote her a letter. I bought her two of those Wilow Tree Angels- and one of them is "forever in my heart." Here is the letter that i wrote for her-

"To dearest Nana,

I’m writing this to you because there are a lot of things that I want to say to you and need to say before it’s too late. I know you’ve been fighting for a very long time now and you’re tired, but I just wanted to write you a little something to let you know how much you mean to me- kind of like the confessions of a broken heart. Ever since I’ve been really little there have been two constant things in my life- You and Granddad. When I moved to Townsville it made it harder for me to come and visit but it doesn’t mean that I stopped thinking about you. I never have and I never will.. I think about you all the time and I would love to think that a lady of your class and calibre has inspired me to become who I am today and has influenced my life in ways that you don’t even know. Every time I’ve ever needed anything you’ve been there to support me and help pick me back up when I fall, and you’ve done it my whole life, even still, you’re thinking about how safe I’m going to be when you’re gone.. The only difference is that I’ll have to pick myself up without you. Words cannot express how happy I was for you to see me get married and have Charlie- I’m just sorry we aren’t closer and you can’t see her enough as you’d have liked to. I told you on the phone that Ryan wants to have another baby next year, and I’m desperately hoping that you’re here to meet the little one.. And down the track Ryan and I are going to renew our wedding vows which I want you here for as well- I don’t want you to give up, because I need you here with me as selfish as that is.. And even though you’re still here, even the very thought of you not being here is unimaginable. I know Saturday night was overwhelming for you but I hope you enjoyed it- we all tried our hardest to make it come off smoothly and hopefully you had a good night. I’m sorry my voice wasn’t up to singing for you, it was something that I particularly wanted to do for the both of you.. And the reason I got so upset was because I knew that I’d failed you both. I suppose I just want to say thankyou. Thankyou for everything you’ve ever done and everything you will continue to do. Thankyou for your support, your concern, your love and most of all for being you.I can’t tell you how I feel at the moment- seeing you this weekend and how sick and frail you are is breaking my heart by the second, and I’ve had to quite often slink off and have a cry to myself because I don’t want you to see me upset. I want you to be strong, and keep fighting, even though you’re tired I know you can win nana. You’re one of the most strong and capable women I know. But when the time does eventually come to say goodbye, (which I hope is a very long time coming..), I guess the only way to describe how I feel is like I am right now. Like an onion being peeled.. You just have to be me to understand how raw I am, and feel the layers slowly coming off.. As I said at the start, there’s not a day I don’t think about you and there’ll never be a day that I won’t. I will never stop and you’ll be forever in my heart. The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart- which is the way that I see the precious time we have together. And the reason that my heart is breaking.. All my love forever and a day.. Xx"

So i know this post hasn't much been about weight loss but mine's sitting constant at the moment at around 97.

I just wanted to share some other aspects of my life with you all.

So to love, to laughter and to happily ever after- but most of all to my grandparents, Anne and Don Hawkins- the lights of my life.

Wow

Hey guys,
yes i am aware it's early o'clock and the rooster has just crowed... it's pathetic. My daughter is sick and has been up most of the night so i'll have to take her to the dr's AGAIN. I swear to god Qld Health is on the news for a reason, they are PATHETIC !!!! My poor little piggy has been sick on and off for months with this silly flu- as have i but for weeks, not months. So yeah i'm just hanging out for 7:30 to rock around so i can call work and tell them i'm not coming in. I'm sure they'll be very impressed. Not. That's one of the major things that sucks about the army and being an army wife. You don't have a support network. And like my employer are pretty good and fairly flexible but still i'd rather be working than at home watching her bullshit on tv all day- and she'll be tempramental as well because she's sick. Guaranteed that by 10 am i'll want to stab Dorothy the Dinosaur in the eyes.

Anyway, because i'm up when the rooster crowed this morning (actually it was something silly like 4 am when i finally gave up and though i'll just get up.. my sleep was broken all night anyway..) i decided to go surfing round everyone's blogs- which i haven't done for ages !!

It's absolutely wonderful to see how great everyone is going !! Makes you think we're all in the same situation, we all get frustrated with restriction and we all plateau- which sucks, that i'm not denying, but it happens to the best of us. Anyway so on with my story.. One of the blogs had virtual models ( a couple did actually) and so i decided to steal their idea basically..

So, the top one was of me at starting weight - 123.8. Absolutely hideous to say out loud.
The next one is where i'm sitting at now- 97.7
And the final one is where i want to be at my goal- which i have changed my mind and decided i now want to be 70. Initially it was 65 and then i realised when i met my friend for lumch yesterday that that's ridiculous. She's a good food shorter than me and she is a size 10 and weighs 68kg. So me being 65- would clearly make me look anorexic. Not the look i'm going for at all..

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Oh happy day !

Hey everyone !

well today was my day off from work which is always good but tomorrow is one of my long days. I still have the flu terribly and my throat is KILLING me !! But other than that it's all good. Today i just did me activities. Which involved spending a SHITLOAD of cash to prepare for this magical party saturday night. I started off with a spa pedicure, then went to the dr.. fun fun fun ! Then i met up with Loz my friend from Melbourne. Shoutout to Loz if you're reading this !! Was soooooo good to see her. Didn't realise how much i actually missed her until i saw her ! Then we fucked around a bit and had lunch and i bought the "queen bee" charm for my gold themed pandora bracelet and then, it was down to business. I ordered a top online for the party (praying to god it gets here in time !) And i needed bottoms. So i thought.. Hmmm ok, Jeans West make small fits but i'll try on the 20. Low and beh0ld i had to get the 18 !! And they weren't tight. That's what i was wearing when i met my husband at 80 kg mind you- (they were faded as and stretched to the shithouse but still..) pretty big achievement in my book !!!! So that made my day.

Then i dropped Lauren home and whipped off to look at shoes for the party and got these ones that make my legs look hot hot hot !! Shame they'll be under jeans but meh what the hell. For future reference. LOL !! Then it was time to get my lashes tinted and permed and my eyebrows tinted and waxed. So the me day was a great success overall i'm feeling.

In the shower i shaved my legs and all that shit and exfoliated as well so now i smell like peony flowers and did my face peel as well. If i left it to tomorrow or thursday i'd be getting over it and thinking mmmm can't be bothered.. lol. People that read this probably think OMG what a high maintenance chick ! Ah well, beauty does have a price as they say.

In my busy schedule i didn't eat much and i got on the exercise bike for half hour which was good. So so hot in Tonwsville at the moment i can feel the kilos dripping off !!!!

Hope everyone else had a day as brilliant as mine. Thinking of you all,

Sami Xx

PS. I've put a pic up the top of the top i ordered for this magical party.. Hopefully the silly thing gets here in time !!!!

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Dear hips and stomach, i fucking HATE you. Love Sam

Ok so the scales still aren't moving, i'm going to hit the gym again tomorrow morning. I've had the flu so i must admit i've been a bit lax on the exercise but still.. i'm eating nothing ! I'm so close to fitting into size 16 pants and still wavering around the 98 kg mark and my legs and that are looking so skinny but the fat on my stomach and the fact that i have hips that you can drive a truck through is not helping me fit into those damn size 16 pants !!!!! on the food side of things this last fill has really kicked in. i have to be really careful with what i eat and i can't eat much at all (eg. cold and flu tablets getting stuck.) so that'll help i hope. i just need to up my water and my exercise !! i've got the grandparents anniversary party this saturday so looks like i'll have to wear jeans (hoping i'll fit into a 20 from jeans west..) i should if i'm nearly a 16 in normal pants !!!!! but you never know. tomorrow is my day off so i'm going to the gym, then the dr, then my girl lauren is in town !!! we've been friends for ages and i've missed her like crazy so we're going to catch up. i so wish we were closer.. love her to death !!! i'll put a pic up from the good old days.. lol !! tomorrow i'm going to aim for more than 5 seconds on the elliptical machine. wish me luck guys !!!! til next time.. xx

PS. In the pic is lauren on the left, me in the middle (at around 82 kg) and my ex housemate margie on the right. not the best pic but we're hotties all the same.. well i think so.. lol !