It's gonna be alright.. Cos i'm alright with me it's gonna be..

I have so much to tell you- yet at the same time everything seems so insignificant....

I've not updated since December as you can see and if i tried to tell you everything that's been going on with me we'd be here for years. My grandad died in December and i think that that was honestly the hardest week of my life. I was in Sydney when he passed so i didn't get to see him or say goodbye which was hard. We had a bond that was like no other- it was indescribable. He was like my father, and so much so he even gave me away at my wedding so it was really hard. I had to drive from Sydney to Cairns for the funeral and then i had to sing. I really do not know how i managed that- i thought I'd be ok.. And i got in there and i sang. It wasn't the best I've ever sounded in my life but there was no embarrassment or humiliation because it wasn't perfect- I did it for him.. I didn't cry- i got through the whole song. But then at the end of the very last note i just broke down. I couldn't hold it in any longer. And because I'd been trying to block out that he was gone it made it worse. I viewed his body as well which i wasn't intending on doing. It didn't even look like him. I miss him so so much. And one thing I'll never forget is the look on my grandmothers face after she put the rose on the coffin.. It was like she was in excruciating pain- in utter agony- like we all were only magnified a billion times after 51 years of marriage.

So we buried him the week before Christmas and then in between the funeral and Christmas was charlie's birthday so it was just sucky. Trying to be happy yet having your heart just ache and feel like it's been smashed to pieces...

Then a month after my grandad died my Nana gets admitted to hospital- to the ward where grandad died and everyone psyches out and she needs a valve replaced in her heart. Only they won;t do it because she had cancer but the oncologist has cleared her of that now which is great and that was the provision- no cancer=surgery for heart. But now magical QLD health are back peddling. They told her in hospital that if she didn't have the surgery she'd be dead in 6 months and i spoke to my mum this morning and she said she can't do anything by herself- we'll be lucky if she lasts til April.

While all this has been going on i started back at work- i won't write about that because it just sucks balls. I've even updated my employer on facebook to "cunt central." LOL !!!

Now- to the band. As of last Wednesday I'm banded no more !!!! Hallelujah ! I booked an appointment with my surgeon because i knew there was something wrong and i was over the band anyway. Someone who's been banded 2 years should not weigh 120kg. I'm sorry, but no. So i booked in to discuss the gastric sleeve with my surgeon. He made me go and have a gastrograph beforehand to assess the band position which i did (and nearly spewed all over x-ray....) and then the following week i saw him. The receptionist said to me go in there and be strong and i said to her does he not want to do it ? And she said oh 50/50.... Until he saw my gastrograph. It turns out the band was in perfect position however it was dilating my oesophagus- so long story short the band has to come out and he suggested the sleeve. So we allllll win !

But now- for the most exciting bit ! Less than a wk after seeing the surgeon i get called up to have my band removed early so i had the band removed 6 days after seeing my Dr instead of 3 weeks which was a quick date anyway. So now i can be sleeved in June instead of July and I'm one happy chappy ! Bring it on. I'm sick of being a fat moll and constantly feeling like shit all the time. I'm keen to get back on track so roll on June !

I'm thinking having the band removed was the best thing i could ever do for myself. I did have a best friend with the band however our association has now ended which is probably a good thing. After seeing her behaviour of late and how quickly she could turn on someone who presented a possibility to her it's clear to me that our friendship would never last anyway. Now she can find someone else to put up with her instability and drama cos I'm more over it than techno. And i don't need someone to bounce band ideas off anymore cos i don't have one. Hoorah !!!

Hello to my new crew ! Particularly my ladies beginning with the initial A. Love ya !

I'm off to enjoy my last day off in the sweltering Townsville heat. It's good to be home but i miss my friends on the central coast alot- I'll be back to visit soon my pretties !!!

Til next time- which will be soon !

Love love,

Sami Xx

It's not you, it's me. Or is it ?

Hi blogland !
Long time since i've posted i know but i've had soooo much going on !! I went to get a fill the other day because i had severely lost restriction since my last fill and i got to thinking to myself before i went to the dr, "so many people can lose weight successfully with the band.. maybe it's just me.." hence the title it's not you, it's me. I'd been eating like a horse and not exercising and just generally feeling like shit about myself. So first stop was the GP who did blood tests. They came back and my iron level was down. For an adult it's supposed to be between 150 and 200 and mine was..... 14 !! So just a touch low. So i'm back on iron injections now which doesn't overly impress me but it'll make me feel better. Then.. it was off to the fill dr. So he says to me ok, i've put in 2.5ml and i said to him "ok so i have 8.5 ?!!" To which he replied no you only had 3.5ml so i've put you upto 6ml.. BUH-BOW !!!!!! He put in 6 last time which brings me to one conclusion- the band is leaking. Now when i first started losing fill a whole year ago i thought oh maybe it was just an accident with the measuring.. But now to have lost that much in 3 weeks, something is definitely wrong ! So i've booked an appointment with my surgeon for when i go back to Townsville. I'm quietly hoping he says lets just replace the whole bang lot. I'm over the problems i've had with this band. OVER IT !!!!!!!!! I want to work with it like i had been before and lose weight.. Not be fucked around with missing fill and all the rest of the bullshit. It's totally unacceptable !!

To make matters worse i'm bleeding everywhere again, it seems i can't take a trick lately.

On a more positive note my boy gets back in about 10 weeks. I'm so excited i can't even tell you how much.. And i'm going back home to Townsville. Have decided to go back to the dreaded hole that is work. It's shithouse and it stresses me out but it's easy and good money. And there's a whole heaps of stuff i want to do to our house so i've gotta go back to work. Bleugh !! Thinking when the boy gets home i'll throw him a big welcome home BBQ.. Should be fun !

Anyway team i gotta jet. So much to do and no time to do it as always.. But i want to throw a huuuuuge shoutout to my girl Ash !! She's just started reading my blog.. Keep reading gf !!

Love love,
Sami Xx

I want to be wearing this at chrsitmas this year..

I know it's a huuuuge goal and right now i'm looking like fat albert but i know i can do it. And ROCK it.

It aint about how fast I get there, it aint about what's waiting on the other side..

Hi Everyone,
I know i haven't updated for a very long time.. and i'd usually start by apologising for the lack of updates, but this time i'm not. I'm not sorry i haven't updated- I've been seemingly absent for a reason. I fell off the wagon in a big big way, so i guess me not writing for a long time is me avoiding my figurative AA meeting which is sosamalicious. Now i'm back and ready to roll and i have soooo much to fill you in on. So i guess i'd better start from the top..

So i bought my house and the commando is currently undertaking an 8 month depolyment in Afghanistan so i have taken 6 months off to concentrate on me. I've locked up my place and walked away and i'm shacked up with the inlaws in downtown Picton, NSW. You might be saying wtf is this girl thinking ?!! But there's method to my madness.. I have got myself back on track in more ways than one. I've returned to my beloved singing. I'm studying again and about to do my AmusA in classical vocal. It's ALOT of hard work and i've forgotten alot of my technique but i'm sure with patience and practive i'll be restored to my former glory in no time.

Since i've stopped working i've stopped needing the antidepressants. Relief is an understatement. I'm the best i have been in so long and i feel like moving here and doing what i love again has set me free so to speak. I've been going to the central coast and hanging out with my family and my reallllly great friends, and shoutout to my bestie Bridgey of bridgetparker.blogspot.com- loves you to bits miss !! Xoxo.

Sadly my gynae problems are stillllll there. However, i'm pleased to report that i've found myself a gynaecologist that is going to do my hysterectomy after i have another baby. The plan is if i don't fall after 2 months of trying then IVF and then hysterectomy post baby. But.. I have so much to consider about this- it realllly is a huge deal once you think about it. So i've found someone who'll stop my bleeding, but at what cost ?

So as you can see my weight has taken a back seat to allll of the above. There's more but so much that i've jammed in since my last update that you'd be buying a novel instead of reading a post. I ended up getting all of my fill taken out and i had 6 ml put back in last week. It's nice to feel restriction again but i seriously need to get organised to get to goal. This time it's for me- i know i can do it. The little bet i have on with a friend is also inspiration. We're both aiming to tear 30 kilos off asap and we're both giving up something that we love to eat- so i have elected to give up icecream. I'm treating it like a weight loss lent only for 30 kilos.

I'll wrap it up for this entry so wish me well.. But i'll leave you with this. I've been miserable for so long i can't even tell you, and i've been to the depths of despair but i've never ever wanted it bad enough to give up the drug that is food. Now I am. I've sourced my inspiration and my mojo from the one thing that has never ever let me down. Music. If you have a band and are reading this, or even if you don't, embrace my mistakes.. Weight loss is an uphill battle and sometimes you're going to have to lose- but it's not about how fast you get there or about what's waiting on the other side. It's the climb.

Til next time.
Sami Xoxo

News..

Hi guys, sorry I haven't updated for so long..

I've had soooo much on my plate lately. literally.. lol !!!! I ended up getting another fill at my surgeons office and told him I will not go back to that incompetent moron he's passed his fills off onto.. so I still don't know how much fill I have but it's time for my monthly motherfucker ( a week late but nevertheless kind of a pattern..) so naturally I want to eat everything that's not nailed down !

I've managed to put on 5.2 kilos which is a bit of a downer but I know why- I've been doing no exercise.. I've basically forgotten what it is.. and I've been eating ridiculous amounts of crap that can get through my band easily. so seeing the surgeon again on the 17th march. might ask for 0.2 or 0.3 just to top me up and restrict me a bit more. I must admit though I've been feeling realllllly run down- this working full time thing isn't overly fun ! and I've had little miss naughty in my bed every night.. but she's been pretty good. the other thing that's completely wearing me out is.. we bought a house !!!

We signed the contract 2 weeks ago just on a whim and our finance got approved today. it's been alot of leg work for me but so so worth it. it's a gorgeous old queenslander cottage that's been renovated superbly and I'm so ecstatic with it !! the pics of it are up the top. we'll be doing it rough for a bit obviously with a mortgage but you've gotta start somewhere.. I'm hanging out to move in !!!!! for now I'm at work and writing this and concentrating on staying awake. when I found out about the house at lunch time I was ecstatic and now I've kind of crashed and burned.. it's a bit sucky but never mind..

all the proceeds from my Partylite parties from now on will go to the Sam and Ryan house fund- so if you're as in love with Partylite candles as I am e-mail me at little_miss_priss_is@hotmail.com and if you have a catalogue party even I can send your order directly to you and there'll be heaps of benefits in it for you as well !! (I'm trying to seriously sell some candles so I can get my floors re-polished !) apart from that there's nothing really else to report- I'm looking forward to getting back into the weight side of things.. when we move to our new house I'm going to walk to work. so exciting !!!!! just need to get rid of the monthly monster and all the bloody fluid that goes with it.. driving me crazy !

if you want catalogues for Partylite don't hesitate to e-mail me- even if you have questions, i desperately want these floors done !!!!! I'll post again heaps sooner this time !

Sami Xx

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What the FUCK Buffalo Bill ???!!!!

Ok so i went and got some fill out today and i thought i had 6.5ml in.. And i always confirm how much i have after i have a fill.. So i rolled up to X-Ray this afternoon to get some fill out and the fill Dr said to me ök so you have 7.2 ml in.." and i was like what the fuck ? I'm getting pretty pissed off with my surgeon and the whole situation there just quietly. Everytime i need a fill or an adjustment i can't get in to see him no matter how urgent it is. Same with the fill dr. It's getting beyond a joke. And their record keeping is attrocious !! I'm disgusted after today's effort , particularly because now i don't know where i'm upto in regards to fill.. Hopefully the ml out will do the trick though, i'm hoping..

Sami Xx

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underfill, overfill, underfill, overfill..

I feel like shit.

I hear you asking why ? Cos i can't eat. My bitch band has been playing holy hell allllllll week and i've basically been living on coke and icecream (which the scales LOVE..sarcasm!!) So i'm underfilled at 6.0 and i'm overfilled at 6.5. Go figure. If i had of known the band would be this tempramental when i got it done (nearly a year ago..) i'm not sure i would have done it. Sure it's helped me loads.. Which i acknowledge readily, however i still have aLOT of work to do on my head and changing my liftstyle. That definitely needs to be the next step. Making positive changes for the long term !

Just a quick one tonight because i'm reallllllllllly tired, but i hope everyone else is keeping well.
Post soon,
Sami Xx

Ps. getting some fill out tomorrow. Finalllllllllllllllly !!!!

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At seventeen i learned the truth..

Happy New Year Readers !!!

I haven't posted for a while because nothing has been going on on the weight front. I've gone back to work full time, been pms'ing like a bitch, been eating crap and not doing any exercise. I felt the urge to write tonight though cos i was talking to one of our fellow bandits Bridget *shoutout to Bridget !!* about the journey in general.

The conversation was how different you become after having the band- and basically how distanced you are from your friends.. Bridget was saying that she's noticed this since banding but i've known the disappointment and heartache my whole life.

As far as the friends thing though i realised the difference when i got married and was pregnant at 19. Now i'm 23 and i feel like i'm a hundred because i've had to grow up in the head really quickly. My old friends "the girls" and i are no longer compatible because i can't go out and get fucked off my face anymore and just root randoms. Bridget's found it more apparent since having the band (which i can relate to also..) But it isn't just then, i said to her, i've felt different my whole life because people have made me feel that way about my weight. It's affected everything i've ever done- example, i've sung my whole life.. And in high school we did musicals as they do, so i auditioned for this part in the play, it wasn't a big one but it had a vocal solo so that was good enough for me- it was kind of a musical version of "A Midsummernight's Dream." I had the director say to my face "you're too pretty for the part you've auditioned for.. but you're too fat for the lead.. but we do need your voice so you can go in the chorus to support it vocally."

Things like that really cut deep, and growing up learning the industry i intended to be in i suppose you had to learn those hard truths early. Still doesn't make it any easier though..
And to this day the song that describes my life the most is "At Seventeen" by Janis Ian. If i'm ever lucky enough to meet any of you i'll sing it for you.. I rock it at Karaoke !!

I suppose what i'm trying to say is we've all had similar journeys to get us to the path we're all travelling together, but at the end of the day if you're happy with yourself that's all you can ask for- and i know that that's where we're all trying to be at and personally, i know that i'm forging greater friendships with each and every banded person i've met and regularly talk to than i have in my whole life.

Stay strong,
Sami Xx

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Ho Ho Ho.. Merry Christmas !

Merry Christmas everyone !!!

I'm so glad it's over. I'm still in Cairns at the house of horrors and have been lazing around like a sloth. But i didn't put on anything over the silly season so that pleases me greatly !! I'm back to 95 even so it's creeping back down. The next thing on the agenda to think about i suppose is a New Year's Resolution.. Time flies when you're having fun.

One thing i have definitely noticed is that since i stopped exercising i've turned to slop. Complete and utter slop. So the next 30 Kilos is going to be alllll about exercise i'm thinking. And toning. Ryan wants me to start doing free weights too which isn't as crazy as it sounds either, apparently if you do free weights before you eat in the morning it speeds up your metabolism ten fold. Worth a crack. Only problem is i'm weak and picked up a 5 kg dumbbell in the sports store yesterday and nearly fell over. LOL !!!!!!

The family situation is yet to improve.. i am so so so so so so angry. I'll speak openly about my band with anyone that wants to hear it- except for one member of my family. I specifically did not want this person to know i'd had the band, so my mother told them that i was considering it but i was refused by the surgeon due to my gynae problems..

So last night my grandfather, in all his wisdom let it slip, which realllllllllly pisses me off when i've gone to such great lengths to keep it from her. To make matters worse this person has moved back to townsville. But what makes it worse was that i was talking to her like 4 days ago saying i HADN'T had the band cos of what my mum had told her.. Now i look like a complete and utter liar. You probably think i'm being petty but i'm furious and have now locked myself in the bedroom.

I can't wait to go home...

Sami Xx

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Hi, My name is Sam and i like to eat my feelings.. And i wonder why ??!!!!!

So this trip is just getting better. My lovely mother last night pulled me into her bedroom because she had bought me some pants for christmas and wanted me to try them on. These pants were the same as she was wearing.. And were grandma pants. Bridget Jones style i'm talking. So i halfheartefly pulled on the pants and as i suspected they looked fucken terrible. I'm one of these people with horridly expressive faces, so my disappointment was obviously not easily concealed.

When she saw it written all over my face how much i hated these silly pants she said to me well i'm so sick of what you wear now- you have a roll of fat on your stomach (which i do.. and will get sucked out and cut off when i get to goal !!!) and i'm a fat sloppy pig apparently. This coming from a woman who has not got her hair done or had a shred of makeup put on her bootleather face this side of 1976. Stupid bitch. My mother or not, how dare she be so callous. I've lost alot of weight and have a lot of problems that prevent me from losing more, but last night i came to a conclusion. One that has been dancing around in the back of my mind for a very long time but that i consciously did not want to accept.

Nothing i ever do will ever be good enough for her. No decision i make will ever be right.

Something she'll just have to live with suppose, like all the other crappy decisions i've made that she's forced on me.. But that's another story.

Twilight tonight, oh Edward..!!!! Anyone know a good agent ? I want to audition for Breaking Dawn. And i'm utterly serious !!!!

Sami Xx

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Sami.. Needs to remember that Jesus is the reason for the season

Right- so my weight isn't moving. In fact, it's gone back up. Merry fucking christmas.

And i'm in Cairns with the family menagerie. I use that term because that's what it's like. So now i'm locked in the bedroom @ my grandparents place because my aunt is a total crack whore and we've been fighting. This is how it went down. I've been reading her books.. The twilight series. So this morning she went at me because she said i'd dog eared the pages in her book. Which then made me retalliate with something along the lines of "shove your fucking book fair up your arse.. I'll buy my own." And then it just escalated from there. Yes not ideal and not the way to respect my elders i am aware, however, she is a bitch.. I can't stand her, the whole family hates her and the only reason we're even remotely nice to her is because she lives with my grandparents and i don't want to upset them. She, on the other hand, is going to be a very VERY lonely woman when they die. I'm trying to remain composed and remember that jesus is the reason for the season and we need to celebrate and be happy and all that jazz, but her behaviour is just abominable.

On a brighter note, it was my daughter's birthday yesterday.. She's so gorgeous. I still don't know how i managed to have such a beautiful girl. It amazes me. And i definitely cannot believe she is 3 !!!!!! The party on the other hand was a complete disaster.. Thanks again to my lovely aunt..

I think i need some cheering up. Maybe i'll go see Twilingt (Swoooon..) AGAIN !! Tomorrow night.

Sami Xx

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Sami- They call me the wild rose..

Hi Everyone !!!
I want to start by thanking everyone on the lovely comments about my hair !! Everyone loves it.. But me. So i regret to say, it will NOT be staying. For someone who regards themselves so highly as a fashionista sista it is definitely a faux pas and a half !! Thinking i might spend some time with my natural colour until iget to goal weight which i've not done in years !!

Which brings me to my next topic.. The fill. So i had 6.25 ml in my band and i was underfilled.. So rolled up to the surgeon on Tuesday and he said righto you couldn't eat last time at 6.5ml so i'll put that back in and see how you go. I'm going the same. SHIT !!!!!!!!!!! Today i pb'd hardcore at lunchtime. So i'm just going to have to take it easy and chew chew chew !!! That surgeon makes me laugh though. He said to me when i walked in "Sam, you've put on weight.." Why thankyou for the newsflash captain obvious !!! The scales and i are BFF so it's not like i was oblivious or anything. Bloody Dr's. On the upside it seems the bleeding is beginning to subside so i need to get my arse into gear with the exercising ! I was told by a friend of mine that rollerblading is excellent, however on the other hand i was told that swimming was better. Now i'm confused.. Does anybody really know for sure ?

I'm on holidays now and i couldn't be happier. I've been so so stressed from work it's ridiculous. I lost my appeal so now i have to go and fight it out through the merit protection commission.. Basically because my ex manager is a lying crack whore. But that's ok, the truth will come out in the end. It always does.

At the moment i'm on team Twilight. I've done some calculations and i need to find a town like Forks to move to where there's never any sun- i'd be perfect with my stupid english skin. I might audition for the next movie.. And the war has been waged between Bridget and i for Rob Pattinson's heart. Swoooon.. LOL !!!!

Well i best be off- i'm presently googling accommodation in Tamworth for the country music festival.. Which Bridget will be attending. Which reminds me i must also find a hot sexy pair of cowgirl boots.. LOL !!!!

Talk soon,
Sami Xx

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So i sent some men to fight, and one came back at dead of night- said he'd seen my enemy, said She looks just like Me..

Hi Everyone,

i haven't updated lately cos i've felt like absolute shit. I'm tired all the time and still bleeding. I'm just over it all. I've not lost an ounce, in fact i've put on a kilo.. I went to my surgeon this morning and got a fill and he said to me "well Sam, you've put on a kilo.." I felt like saying why thankyou Cptain Obvious- I told you i'd put on when i emailed 2 fucking weeks ago. So he gave me 0.25 which brings me upto 6.5ml in my 10ml band.

As you'll notice, the title of this blog is quite profound. Whn i get really anaemic and tired i start reaching for things like chocolate bars and chips and softdrink, things that are high in sugar that pick me up quickly but then make me crash and burn- it's by doing this that makes me my own worst enemy. I've also been rather fond of soft serve cones and post mix cokes from HJ's lately. Yes i know- bad bad bad.. I've been slipping into old habits and i need to get the hell out of them. I suppose the good thing is that i'm thinking objectively and identifying where i'm going wrong.

The hair was something i did on a whim- which i'm now regretting. Everyone loves it.. But me- not so much.. My hair dresser wants me to keep it red and get extensions so it's long and ranga. Redheads are usually so sexy- just not me. Pretty sure it's cos i'm so pale at the moment.

I sincerely hope that everyone is doing better than i am-

at the moment i feel like my world is collapsing..

Sami Xx

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Last post deleted

Hi Guys !
I deleted the last post i put up because i have a new friend at work. He's in Perth and i thought it was a bit how's your father for him to be reading.. (hello to Mark if you're looking!.. and enjoy the cranky man you're speaking to as i'm typing..LOL!!)

I'll put up a proper update tonight- getting fill Tuesday. Getting my hair done tomorrow- thinking of going Aubrun. Thoughts ?

Sami Xx

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Previous statement retracted- No fill needed !!!

Just choked after 2 bites of dinner.. Done the calculations- Don't think i need a fill. I just need to motivate my lazy arse !

Public service announcement.. I am the worst blogger EVER !!!

Yes i suck. I know this. It is a fact i am well aware of. I haven't written because i've been busy/sick/stressed..



My weight isn't moving because i haven't been doing any exercise- i feel like a big tub of lard on legs at the moment which is really quite depressing. And i have no energy at all to exercise because.. you guessed it ! It that time of the month (although i haven't had it since frigging August.) Now i've probably blogged before on how heavy it is but seriously, this is like niagra falls. I went to the Dr and he said yeah just go to the emergency department.. don't forget to pay my $60 on the way out now though will you ? Fucken useless retard !! I swear i'm not going back to him. So very over it all. Have decided to just go to bulk bill Dr's.



Which brings me to the ENT surgeon. I saw that dickhead yesterday.. I don't have nodules (*sigh of relief !!*) yet at the same time- shitfight. So yeah.. don't have to go under the knife which is a good thing cos i didn't really want them to be in there fucking around with my voice.. But the work aspect is shit.



So yeah feel like shit. Still stuck on 95 kilos (hence why i'm yet to update progress pics..). I feel like i'm going to be a big fat fuck forever.. Need a fill i'm thinking.

Why is life so hard ?!!!!!!



Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr



Sami Xx



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So over it

Hellllllo from Cairns !!!

Well i'm in sunny cairns at the moment visiting family and yeah.. It's been interesting to say the least. We're so very different. I was fighting with my mother the minute i stepped into her house which was impressive.. And i swear i'm adopted. My mother and i are like chalk and cheese. I'm into fashion and makeup- she's never worn makeup or had her hair done in her life.. I'm really girly- she's not. I'm tactful- she's downright obnoxious. Now you may think i'm harsh but here's an example. I had a Partylite party last night because i'm thinking of becoming a consultant and she was just loud and rude to the lady doing the party the whole time. Asking her questions like "so how much do you make..? bet it's not as much as Sam makes working for the government.." I bet it isn't either. But then i bet she doesn't want to kill herself rather than walk through the doors at work every morning. My mother is one of these people that thinks "government job.. cruisey.. set for life.." Newsflash for anyone reading this of that opinion. That is FALSE. It's more fucked than the private sector. To the point where you get in trouble for going 5 seconds over on your piss break. I'm so stressed- my whole holidays have been a fucked unit because i'm so stressed. It's that time of the month and i'm retaining fluid like a mofo so the scales aren't moving.. It's just been soooo crap !!! I hope everyone else is having a better time than me.

Sami Xx

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Hot and Cold

Hi Everyone,
sorry for the lack of posts but i've been having a hell of a time lately.. Mainly work issues. I suppose it comes with my job but just been so so stressed i can't believe it. I'm on holidays now and my head is consumed with work- i have a couple of different "disputes" we shall call them for the sake of political correctness.. and all i can think about are things like "what's going to happen next, what are they going to do to me when i get back.." feels like every bloody step i take i'm walking on eggshells and anything i say and do is being scrutinized and i'm terrified of the fear of retribution (which i've been copping lately.) Then my other worry is money.. I ended up going out on leave the other day because my doctor thought it was in the best interest of my mental health and because i have no sick leave left- got no pay. So yeah.. At the moment they control everything and i control nothing and i'm so very over it. Now i've vented about that.. Next !

My band has been playing up a treat ! I was thinking it was hormonal (due to my erratic, non existent cycle..) and i couldn't eat for about 3 weeks because it was so tight. So i finally thought ok i need some out and out of desperation went to see the fill Dr (which i hate doing because she can never find my port and then i'm sore as a motherfucker because she jabs around in my stomach for like 15 minutes) out of pure desperation to get some fill out and sure enough- she couldn't find the port. What a surprise.. NOT !! So had to wait ANOTHER week to get fill out in X-Ray. She took 1 ml out to being me back down to 5.5 and said see how i go with that.. I went back to the surgeon a week later and i was starving.. Ravenous hungry ! So he gave me 0.5 to bring me back up to 6ml. A week on I was still finding i was getting hungry like every 3 hours.. So called the fill Dr again to get a tiny bit more fill (made sure i booked it in X-Ray this time..) So now i have 6.25 ml in my 10 ml band. My Dr and the fill Dr have both said the band is a prosthesis and is not affected by hormones or other medication etc.. But when i talked to my GP about my antidepressants he said that they could have an affect and make the band feel a bit tighter. I'm a touch sick of contradicting information given by medical professionals.. Seems like they're all retarded and like to play guessing games with people's lives.

The last couple of days have been exceptionally sucky. My cycle is everywhere and didn't know where i was upto. I've been PMS'ing like a bitch (as you do when it hasn't been that time of the month since August and it's now mid November..) but i finally got it on Monday. So i'm preparing for the usual bleeding for aaaaaaaaaaaages and feeling like shit. Love love love my body.

So i haven't written for a while and those are my reasons. I've had so much to say but just haven't been in the right space in my head to write anything constructive, in fact, chances are if i did write something it would have been a rant..

Taking new progress pics in the next couple of days so stay tuned for those !!
Sami Xx


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STOP PRESS !!!!!!!!!

The top ones were taken on the 20/10/08- i'll be taking new full body ones on the 20/11/08

Me- May 07.. The pic that changed it all...

Ok- this is me in May last year. This is the picture that made me snap out of myself and think how absolutely fucking horrible i looked. This was what made me get the band and what drags my bitch arse out walking and to dancing and to the gym. This person is gone. Forever.

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Oh and the marks all over my face aren't acne- i actually had chicken pox. Thanks daycare..

The top ones were taken on the 20/10/08.. re-posted so you can see the comparison by request =)

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Sami.. Strictly ballroom..

This pic was taken about 2 weeks ago

As was this one..

This one was taken when i was playing superstar DJ in Brisbane in August

This one was taken last year when i was at my heaviest weight- taken around September..

This one was taken last year when i was around 118 kg in August last year

Hi everyone !

I know i've been slack on the updates but i've had that much going on you wouldn't believe it. I'm stressed out to the max from work and just beside myself. But the things we do for a dollar hey ? On a brighter note i went to dance class last night and i'm still very pleased to report that i'm loving every second !!!! Last night i didn't look like such a retard. Only in one dance.. But there's this guy there and he's one of the "actual dancers" and we all swap partners through the night and anyway i was "lucky" enough to score him for the dance that i just couldn't get (one turn in the dance..) and mind you i improved alot after dancing with him but i found him to be.. well a bit of a prick actually. Just like i was an inconvenience and he was a bit condescending and it kind of put me off a bit. Maybe he was just having a bad day..? It hasn't put me off because i still had heaps of fun and it was a brilliant workout but yeah..

Had to get fill out last week. Decided after not eating for about three and a half weeks that i was overfilled :S So i went to my dr's fill dr (whom i think is useless..) and of course she couldn't get the port. Spent like 15 minutes jabbing into my gut with the needle and then announced we'd have to arrange to do it in xray- so had to wait another week. So got a ml out now and i'm ravenous !!! As in can eat 3 pieces of pizza type hungry ! Before i had my fill out i was choking on mushies. Funny how little can affect it.. Tempramental bloody thing !!! The scales are still being retarded and my weight is slowly creeping down.. Like a snail.. But my body is definitely changing which i'm loving and i think you're really starting to see the changes in my face.. What do you reckon ?

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