It's gonna be alright.. Cos i'm alright with me it's gonna be..

I have so much to tell you- yet at the same time everything seems so insignificant....

I've not updated since December as you can see and if i tried to tell you everything that's been going on with me we'd be here for years. My grandad died in December and i think that that was honestly the hardest week of my life. I was in Sydney when he passed so i didn't get to see him or say goodbye which was hard. We had a bond that was like no other- it was indescribable. He was like my father, and so much so he even gave me away at my wedding so it was really hard. I had to drive from Sydney to Cairns for the funeral and then i had to sing. I really do not know how i managed that- i thought I'd be ok.. And i got in there and i sang. It wasn't the best I've ever sounded in my life but there was no embarrassment or humiliation because it wasn't perfect- I did it for him.. I didn't cry- i got through the whole song. But then at the end of the very last note i just broke down. I couldn't hold it in any longer. And because I'd been trying to block out that he was gone it made it worse. I viewed his body as well which i wasn't intending on doing. It didn't even look like him. I miss him so so much. And one thing I'll never forget is the look on my grandmothers face after she put the rose on the coffin.. It was like she was in excruciating pain- in utter agony- like we all were only magnified a billion times after 51 years of marriage.

So we buried him the week before Christmas and then in between the funeral and Christmas was charlie's birthday so it was just sucky. Trying to be happy yet having your heart just ache and feel like it's been smashed to pieces...

Then a month after my grandad died my Nana gets admitted to hospital- to the ward where grandad died and everyone psyches out and she needs a valve replaced in her heart. Only they won;t do it because she had cancer but the oncologist has cleared her of that now which is great and that was the provision- no cancer=surgery for heart. But now magical QLD health are back peddling. They told her in hospital that if she didn't have the surgery she'd be dead in 6 months and i spoke to my mum this morning and she said she can't do anything by herself- we'll be lucky if she lasts til April.

While all this has been going on i started back at work- i won't write about that because it just sucks balls. I've even updated my employer on facebook to "cunt central." LOL !!!

Now- to the band. As of last Wednesday I'm banded no more !!!! Hallelujah ! I booked an appointment with my surgeon because i knew there was something wrong and i was over the band anyway. Someone who's been banded 2 years should not weigh 120kg. I'm sorry, but no. So i booked in to discuss the gastric sleeve with my surgeon. He made me go and have a gastrograph beforehand to assess the band position which i did (and nearly spewed all over x-ray....) and then the following week i saw him. The receptionist said to me go in there and be strong and i said to her does he not want to do it ? And she said oh 50/50.... Until he saw my gastrograph. It turns out the band was in perfect position however it was dilating my oesophagus- so long story short the band has to come out and he suggested the sleeve. So we allllll win !

But now- for the most exciting bit ! Less than a wk after seeing the surgeon i get called up to have my band removed early so i had the band removed 6 days after seeing my Dr instead of 3 weeks which was a quick date anyway. So now i can be sleeved in June instead of July and I'm one happy chappy ! Bring it on. I'm sick of being a fat moll and constantly feeling like shit all the time. I'm keen to get back on track so roll on June !

I'm thinking having the band removed was the best thing i could ever do for myself. I did have a best friend with the band however our association has now ended which is probably a good thing. After seeing her behaviour of late and how quickly she could turn on someone who presented a possibility to her it's clear to me that our friendship would never last anyway. Now she can find someone else to put up with her instability and drama cos I'm more over it than techno. And i don't need someone to bounce band ideas off anymore cos i don't have one. Hoorah !!!

Hello to my new crew ! Particularly my ladies beginning with the initial A. Love ya !

I'm off to enjoy my last day off in the sweltering Townsville heat. It's good to be home but i miss my friends on the central coast alot- I'll be back to visit soon my pretties !!!

Til next time- which will be soon !

Love love,

Sami Xx

It's not you, it's me. Or is it ?

Hi blogland !
Long time since i've posted i know but i've had soooo much going on !! I went to get a fill the other day because i had severely lost restriction since my last fill and i got to thinking to myself before i went to the dr, "so many people can lose weight successfully with the band.. maybe it's just me.." hence the title it's not you, it's me. I'd been eating like a horse and not exercising and just generally feeling like shit about myself. So first stop was the GP who did blood tests. They came back and my iron level was down. For an adult it's supposed to be between 150 and 200 and mine was..... 14 !! So just a touch low. So i'm back on iron injections now which doesn't overly impress me but it'll make me feel better. Then.. it was off to the fill dr. So he says to me ok, i've put in 2.5ml and i said to him "ok so i have 8.5 ?!!" To which he replied no you only had 3.5ml so i've put you upto 6ml.. BUH-BOW !!!!!! He put in 6 last time which brings me to one conclusion- the band is leaking. Now when i first started losing fill a whole year ago i thought oh maybe it was just an accident with the measuring.. But now to have lost that much in 3 weeks, something is definitely wrong ! So i've booked an appointment with my surgeon for when i go back to Townsville. I'm quietly hoping he says lets just replace the whole bang lot. I'm over the problems i've had with this band. OVER IT !!!!!!!!! I want to work with it like i had been before and lose weight.. Not be fucked around with missing fill and all the rest of the bullshit. It's totally unacceptable !!

To make matters worse i'm bleeding everywhere again, it seems i can't take a trick lately.

On a more positive note my boy gets back in about 10 weeks. I'm so excited i can't even tell you how much.. And i'm going back home to Townsville. Have decided to go back to the dreaded hole that is work. It's shithouse and it stresses me out but it's easy and good money. And there's a whole heaps of stuff i want to do to our house so i've gotta go back to work. Bleugh !! Thinking when the boy gets home i'll throw him a big welcome home BBQ.. Should be fun !

Anyway team i gotta jet. So much to do and no time to do it as always.. But i want to throw a huuuuuge shoutout to my girl Ash !! She's just started reading my blog.. Keep reading gf !!

Love love,
Sami Xx

I want to be wearing this at chrsitmas this year..

I know it's a huuuuge goal and right now i'm looking like fat albert but i know i can do it. And ROCK it.

It aint about how fast I get there, it aint about what's waiting on the other side..

Hi Everyone,
I know i haven't updated for a very long time.. and i'd usually start by apologising for the lack of updates, but this time i'm not. I'm not sorry i haven't updated- I've been seemingly absent for a reason. I fell off the wagon in a big big way, so i guess me not writing for a long time is me avoiding my figurative AA meeting which is sosamalicious. Now i'm back and ready to roll and i have soooo much to fill you in on. So i guess i'd better start from the top..

So i bought my house and the commando is currently undertaking an 8 month depolyment in Afghanistan so i have taken 6 months off to concentrate on me. I've locked up my place and walked away and i'm shacked up with the inlaws in downtown Picton, NSW. You might be saying wtf is this girl thinking ?!! But there's method to my madness.. I have got myself back on track in more ways than one. I've returned to my beloved singing. I'm studying again and about to do my AmusA in classical vocal. It's ALOT of hard work and i've forgotten alot of my technique but i'm sure with patience and practive i'll be restored to my former glory in no time.

Since i've stopped working i've stopped needing the antidepressants. Relief is an understatement. I'm the best i have been in so long and i feel like moving here and doing what i love again has set me free so to speak. I've been going to the central coast and hanging out with my family and my reallllly great friends, and shoutout to my bestie Bridgey of bridgetparker.blogspot.com- loves you to bits miss !! Xoxo.

Sadly my gynae problems are stillllll there. However, i'm pleased to report that i've found myself a gynaecologist that is going to do my hysterectomy after i have another baby. The plan is if i don't fall after 2 months of trying then IVF and then hysterectomy post baby. But.. I have so much to consider about this- it realllly is a huge deal once you think about it. So i've found someone who'll stop my bleeding, but at what cost ?

So as you can see my weight has taken a back seat to allll of the above. There's more but so much that i've jammed in since my last update that you'd be buying a novel instead of reading a post. I ended up getting all of my fill taken out and i had 6 ml put back in last week. It's nice to feel restriction again but i seriously need to get organised to get to goal. This time it's for me- i know i can do it. The little bet i have on with a friend is also inspiration. We're both aiming to tear 30 kilos off asap and we're both giving up something that we love to eat- so i have elected to give up icecream. I'm treating it like a weight loss lent only for 30 kilos.

I'll wrap it up for this entry so wish me well.. But i'll leave you with this. I've been miserable for so long i can't even tell you, and i've been to the depths of despair but i've never ever wanted it bad enough to give up the drug that is food. Now I am. I've sourced my inspiration and my mojo from the one thing that has never ever let me down. Music. If you have a band and are reading this, or even if you don't, embrace my mistakes.. Weight loss is an uphill battle and sometimes you're going to have to lose- but it's not about how fast you get there or about what's waiting on the other side. It's the climb.

Til next time.
Sami Xoxo

News..

Hi guys, sorry I haven't updated for so long..

I've had soooo much on my plate lately. literally.. lol !!!! I ended up getting another fill at my surgeons office and told him I will not go back to that incompetent moron he's passed his fills off onto.. so I still don't know how much fill I have but it's time for my monthly motherfucker ( a week late but nevertheless kind of a pattern..) so naturally I want to eat everything that's not nailed down !

I've managed to put on 5.2 kilos which is a bit of a downer but I know why- I've been doing no exercise.. I've basically forgotten what it is.. and I've been eating ridiculous amounts of crap that can get through my band easily. so seeing the surgeon again on the 17th march. might ask for 0.2 or 0.3 just to top me up and restrict me a bit more. I must admit though I've been feeling realllllly run down- this working full time thing isn't overly fun ! and I've had little miss naughty in my bed every night.. but she's been pretty good. the other thing that's completely wearing me out is.. we bought a house !!!

We signed the contract 2 weeks ago just on a whim and our finance got approved today. it's been alot of leg work for me but so so worth it. it's a gorgeous old queenslander cottage that's been renovated superbly and I'm so ecstatic with it !! the pics of it are up the top. we'll be doing it rough for a bit obviously with a mortgage but you've gotta start somewhere.. I'm hanging out to move in !!!!! for now I'm at work and writing this and concentrating on staying awake. when I found out about the house at lunch time I was ecstatic and now I've kind of crashed and burned.. it's a bit sucky but never mind..

all the proceeds from my Partylite parties from now on will go to the Sam and Ryan house fund- so if you're as in love with Partylite candles as I am e-mail me at little_miss_priss_is@hotmail.com and if you have a catalogue party even I can send your order directly to you and there'll be heaps of benefits in it for you as well !! (I'm trying to seriously sell some candles so I can get my floors re-polished !) apart from that there's nothing really else to report- I'm looking forward to getting back into the weight side of things.. when we move to our new house I'm going to walk to work. so exciting !!!!! just need to get rid of the monthly monster and all the bloody fluid that goes with it.. driving me crazy !

if you want catalogues for Partylite don't hesitate to e-mail me- even if you have questions, i desperately want these floors done !!!!! I'll post again heaps sooner this time !

Sami Xx

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What the FUCK Buffalo Bill ???!!!!

Ok so i went and got some fill out today and i thought i had 6.5ml in.. And i always confirm how much i have after i have a fill.. So i rolled up to X-Ray this afternoon to get some fill out and the fill Dr said to me ök so you have 7.2 ml in.." and i was like what the fuck ? I'm getting pretty pissed off with my surgeon and the whole situation there just quietly. Everytime i need a fill or an adjustment i can't get in to see him no matter how urgent it is. Same with the fill dr. It's getting beyond a joke. And their record keeping is attrocious !! I'm disgusted after today's effort , particularly because now i don't know where i'm upto in regards to fill.. Hopefully the ml out will do the trick though, i'm hoping..

Sami Xx

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underfill, overfill, underfill, overfill..

I feel like shit.

I hear you asking why ? Cos i can't eat. My bitch band has been playing holy hell allllllll week and i've basically been living on coke and icecream (which the scales LOVE..sarcasm!!) So i'm underfilled at 6.0 and i'm overfilled at 6.5. Go figure. If i had of known the band would be this tempramental when i got it done (nearly a year ago..) i'm not sure i would have done it. Sure it's helped me loads.. Which i acknowledge readily, however i still have aLOT of work to do on my head and changing my liftstyle. That definitely needs to be the next step. Making positive changes for the long term !

Just a quick one tonight because i'm reallllllllllly tired, but i hope everyone else is keeping well.
Post soon,
Sami Xx

Ps. getting some fill out tomorrow. Finalllllllllllllllly !!!!

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