sosamalicious

It's gonna be alright.. Cos i'm alright with me it's gonna be..

2010-03-16T12:56:00.002+13:00

I have so much to tell you- yet at the same time everything seems so insignificant....

I've not updated since December as you can see and if i tried to tell you everything that's been going on with me we'd be here for years. My grandad died in December and i think that that was honestly the hardest week of my life. I was in Sydney when he passed so i didn't get to see him or say goodbye which was hard. We had a bond that was like no other- it was indescribable. He was like my father, and so much so he even gave me away at my wedding so it was really hard. I had to drive from Sydney to Cairns for the funeral and then i had to sing. I really do not know how i managed that- i thought I'd be ok.. And i got in there and i sang. It wasn't the best I've ever sounded in my life but there was no embarrassment or humiliation because it wasn't perfect- I did it for him.. I didn't cry- i got through the whole song. But then at the end of the very last note i just broke down. I couldn't hold it in any longer. And because I'd been trying to block out that he was gone it made it worse. I viewed his body as well which i wasn't intending on doing. It didn't even look like him. I miss him so so much. And one thing I'll never forget is the look on my grandmothers face after she put the rose on the coffin.. It was like she was in excruciating pain- in utter agony- like we all were only magnified a billion times after 51 years of marriage.

So we buried him the week before Christmas and then in between the funeral and Christmas was charlie's birthday so it was just sucky. Trying to be happy yet having your heart just ache and feel like it's been smashed to pieces...

Then a month after my grandad died my Nana gets admitted to hospital- to the ward where grandad died and everyone psyches out and she needs a valve replaced in her heart. Only they won;t do it because she had cancer but the oncologist has cleared her of that now which is great and that was the provision- no cancer=surgery for heart. But now magical QLD health are back peddling. They told her in hospital that if she didn't have the surgery she'd be dead in 6 months and i spoke to my mum this morning and she said she can't do anything by herself- we'll be lucky if she lasts til April.

While all this has been going on i started back at work- i won't write about that because it just sucks balls. I've even updated my employer on facebook to "cunt central." LOL !!!

Now- to the band. As of last Wednesday I'm banded no more !!!! Hallelujah ! I booked an appointment with my surgeon because i knew there was something wrong and i was over the band anyway. Someone who's been banded 2 years should not weigh 120kg. I'm sorry, but no. So i booked in to discuss the gastric sleeve with my surgeon. He made me go and have a gastrograph beforehand to assess the band position which i did (and nearly spewed all over x-ray....) and then the following week i saw him. The receptionist said to me go in there and be strong and i said to her does he not want to do it ? And she said oh 50/50.... Until he saw my gastrograph. It turns out the band was in perfect position however it was dilating my oesophagus- so long story short the band has to come out and he suggested the sleeve. So we allllll win !

But now- for the most exciting bit ! Less than a wk after seeing the surgeon i get called up to have my band removed early so i had the band removed 6 days after seeing my Dr instead of 3 weeks which was a quick date anyway. So now i can be sleeved in June instead of July and I'm one happy chappy ! Bring it on. I'm sick of being a fat moll and constantly feeling like shit all the time. I'm keen to get back on track so roll on June !

I'm thinking having the band removed was the best thing i could ever do for myself. I did have a best friend with the band however our association has now ended which is probably a good thing. After seeing her behaviour of late and how quickly she could turn on someone who presented a possibility to her it's clear to me that our friendship would never last anyway. Now she can find someone else to put up with her instability and drama cos I'm more over it than techno. And i don't need someone to bounce band ideas off anymore cos i don't have one. Hoorah !!!

Hello to my new crew ! Particularly my ladies beginning with the initial A. Love ya !

I'm off to enjoy my last day off in the sweltering Townsville heat. It's good to be home but i miss my friends on the central coast alot- I'll be back to visit soon my pretties !!!

Til next time- which will be soon !

Love love,

Sami Xx

It's not you, it's me. Or is it ?

2009-12-08T12:52:00.002+13:00

Hi blogland !
Long time since i've posted i know but i've had soooo much going on !! I went to get a fill the other day because i had severely lost restriction since my last fill and i got to thinking to myself before i went to the dr, "so many people can lose weight successfully with the band.. maybe it's just me.." hence the title it's not you, it's me. I'd been eating like a horse and not exercising and just generally feeling like shit about myself. So first stop was the GP who did blood tests. They came back and my iron level was down. For an adult it's supposed to be between 150 and 200 and mine was..... 14 !! So just a touch low. So i'm back on iron injections now which doesn't overly impress me but it'll make me feel better. Then.. it was off to the fill dr. So he says to me ok, i've put in 2.5ml and i said to him "ok so i have 8.5 ?!!" To which he replied no you only had 3.5ml so i've put you upto 6ml.. BUH-BOW !!!!!! He put in 6 last time which brings me to one conclusion- the band is leaking. Now when i first started losing fill a whole year ago i thought oh maybe it was just an accident with the measuring.. But now to have lost that much in 3 weeks, something is definitely wrong ! So i've booked an appointment with my surgeon for when i go back to Townsville. I'm quietly hoping he says lets just replace the whole bang lot. I'm over the problems i've had with this band. OVER IT !!!!!!!!! I want to work with it like i had been before and lose weight.. Not be fucked around with missing fill and all the rest of the bullshit. It's totally unacceptable !!

To make matters worse i'm bleeding everywhere again, it seems i can't take a trick lately.

On a more positive note my boy gets back in about 10 weeks. I'm so excited i can't even tell you how much.. And i'm going back home to Townsville. Have decided to go back to the dreaded hole that is work. It's shithouse and it stresses me out but it's easy and good money. And there's a whole heaps of stuff i want to do to our house so i've gotta go back to work. Bleugh !! Thinking when the boy gets home i'll throw him a big welcome home BBQ.. Should be fun !

Anyway team i gotta jet. So much to do and no time to do it as always.. But i want to throw a huuuuuge shoutout to my girl Ash !! She's just started reading my blog.. Keep reading gf !!

Love love,
Sami Xx

I want to be wearing this at chrsitmas this year..

2009-10-27T00:38:00.002+12:00

I know it's a huuuuge goal and right now i'm looking like fat albert but i know i can do it. And ROCK it.

It aint about how fast I get there, it aint about what's waiting on the other side..

2009-10-26T23:57:00.003+12:00

Hi Everyone,
I know i haven't updated for a very long time.. and i'd usually start by apologising for the lack of updates, but this time i'm not. I'm not sorry i haven't updated- I've been seemingly absent for a reason. I fell off the wagon in a big big way, so i guess me not writing for a long time is me avoiding my figurative AA meeting which is sosamalicious. Now i'm back and ready to roll and i have soooo much to fill you in on. So i guess i'd better start from the top..

So i bought my house and the commando is currently undertaking an 8 month depolyment in Afghanistan so i have taken 6 months off to concentrate on me. I've locked up my place and walked away and i'm shacked up with the inlaws in downtown Picton, NSW. You might be saying wtf is this girl thinking ?!! But there's method to my madness.. I have got myself back on track in more ways than one. I've returned to my beloved singing. I'm studying again and about to do my AmusA in classical vocal. It's ALOT of hard work and i've forgotten alot of my technique but i'm sure with patience and practive i'll be restored to my former glory in no time.

Since i've stopped working i've stopped needing the antidepressants. Relief is an understatement. I'm the best i have been in so long and i feel like moving here and doing what i love again has set me free so to speak. I've been going to the central coast and hanging out with my family and my reallllly great friends, and shoutout to my bestie Bridgey of bridgetparker.blogspot.com- loves you to bits miss !! Xoxo.

Sadly my gynae problems are stillllll there. However, i'm pleased to report that i've found myself a gynaecologist that is going to do my hysterectomy after i have another baby. The plan is if i don't fall after 2 months of trying then IVF and then hysterectomy post baby. But.. I have so much to consider about this- it realllly is a huge deal once you think about it. So i've found someone who'll stop my bleeding, but at what cost ?

So as you can see my weight has taken a back seat to allll of the above. There's more but so much that i've jammed in since my last update that you'd be buying a novel instead of reading a post. I ended up getting all of my fill taken out and i had 6 ml put back in last week. It's nice to feel restriction again but i seriously need to get organised to get to goal. This time it's for me- i know i can do it. The little bet i have on with a friend is also inspiration. We're both aiming to tear 30 kilos off asap and we're both giving up something that we love to eat- so i have elected to give up icecream. I'm treating it like a weight loss lent only for 30 kilos.

I'll wrap it up for this entry so wish me well.. But i'll leave you with this. I've been miserable for so long i can't even tell you, and i've been to the depths of despair but i've never ever wanted it bad enough to give up the drug that is food. Now I am. I've sourced my inspiration and my mojo from the one thing that has never ever let me down. Music. If you have a band and are reading this, or even if you don't, embrace my mistakes.. Weight loss is an uphill battle and sometimes you're going to have to lose- but it's not about how fast you get there or about what's waiting on the other side. It's the climb.

Til next time.
Sami Xoxo

News..

2009-03-01T09:52:00.005+12:00

Hi guys, sorry I haven't updated for so long..

I've had soooo much on my plate lately. literally.. lol !!!! I ended up getting another fill at my surgeons office and told him I will not go back to that incompetent moron he's passed his fills off onto.. so I still don't know how much fill I have but it's time for my monthly motherfucker ( a week late but nevertheless kind of a pattern..) so naturally I want to eat everything that's not nailed down !

I've managed to put on 5.2 kilos which is a bit of a downer but I know why- I've been doing no exercise.. I've basically forgotten what it is.. and I've been eating ridiculous amounts of crap that can get through my band easily. so seeing the surgeon again on the 17th march. might ask for 0.2 or 0.3 just to top me up and restrict me a bit more. I must admit though I've been feeling realllllly run down- this working full time thing isn't overly fun ! and I've had little miss naughty in my bed every night.. but she's been pretty good. the other thing that's completely wearing me out is.. we bought a house !!!

We signed the contract 2 weeks ago just on a whim and our finance got approved today. it's been alot of leg work for me but so so worth it. it's a gorgeous old queenslander cottage that's been renovated superbly and I'm so ecstatic with it !! the pics of it are up the top. we'll be doing it rough for a bit obviously with a mortgage but you've gotta start somewhere.. I'm hanging out to move in !!!!! for now I'm at work and writing this and concentrating on staying awake. when I found out about the house at lunch time I was ecstatic and now I've kind of crashed and burned.. it's a bit sucky but never mind..

all the proceeds from my Partylite parties from now on will go to the Sam and Ryan house fund- so if you're as in love with Partylite candles as I am e-mail me at little_miss_priss_is@hotmail.com and if you have a catalogue party even I can send your order directly to you and there'll be heaps of benefits in it for you as well !! (I'm trying to seriously sell some candles so I can get my floors re-polished !) apart from that there's nothing really else to report- I'm looking forward to getting back into the weight side of things.. when we move to our new house I'm going to walk to work. so exciting !!!!! just need to get rid of the monthly monster and all the bloody fluid that goes with it.. driving me crazy !

if you want catalogues for Partylite don't hesitate to e-mail me- even if you have questions, i desperately want these floors done !!!!! I'll post again heaps sooner this time !

Sami Xx

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What the FUCK Buffalo Bill ???!!!!

2009-01-29T18:28:00.002+12:00

Ok so i went and got some fill out today and i thought i had 6.5ml in.. And i always confirm how much i have after i have a fill.. So i rolled up to X-Ray this afternoon to get some fill out and the fill Dr said to me ök so you have 7.2 ml in.." and i was like what the fuck ? I'm getting pretty pissed off with my surgeon and the whole situation there just quietly. Everytime i need a fill or an adjustment i can't get in to see him no matter how urgent it is. Same with the fill dr. It's getting beyond a joke. And their record keeping is attrocious !! I'm disgusted after today's effort , particularly because now i don't know where i'm upto in regards to fill.. Hopefully the ml out will do the trick though, i'm hoping..

Sami Xx

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underfill, overfill, underfill, overfill..

2009-01-28T22:02:00.002+12:00

I feel like shit.

I hear you asking why ? Cos i can't eat. My bitch band has been playing holy hell allllllll week and i've basically been living on coke and icecream (which the scales LOVE..sarcasm!!) So i'm underfilled at 6.0 and i'm overfilled at 6.5. Go figure. If i had of known the band would be this tempramental when i got it done (nearly a year ago..) i'm not sure i would have done it. Sure it's helped me loads.. Which i acknowledge readily, however i still have aLOT of work to do on my head and changing my liftstyle. That definitely needs to be the next step. Making positive changes for the long term !

Just a quick one tonight because i'm reallllllllllly tired, but i hope everyone else is keeping well.
Post soon,
Sami Xx

Ps. getting some fill out tomorrow. Finalllllllllllllllly !!!!

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At seventeen i learned the truth..

2009-01-18T00:44:00.002+12:00

Happy New Year Readers !!!

I haven't posted for a while because nothing has been going on on the weight front. I've gone back to work full time, been pms'ing like a bitch, been eating crap and not doing any exercise. I felt the urge to write tonight though cos i was talking to one of our fellow bandits Bridget *shoutout to Bridget !!* about the journey in general.

The conversation was how different you become after having the band- and basically how distanced you are from your friends.. Bridget was saying that she's noticed this since banding but i've known the disappointment and heartache my whole life.

As far as the friends thing though i realised the difference when i got married and was pregnant at 19. Now i'm 23 and i feel like i'm a hundred because i've had to grow up in the head really quickly. My old friends "the girls" and i are no longer compatible because i can't go out and get fucked off my face anymore and just root randoms. Bridget's found it more apparent since having the band (which i can relate to also..) But it isn't just then, i said to her, i've felt different my whole life because people have made me feel that way about my weight. It's affected everything i've ever done- example, i've sung my whole life.. And in high school we did musicals as they do, so i auditioned for this part in the play, it wasn't a big one but it had a vocal solo so that was good enough for me- it was kind of a musical version of "A Midsummernight's Dream." I had the director say to my face "you're too pretty for the part you've auditioned for.. but you're too fat for the lead.. but we do need your voice so you can go in the chorus to support it vocally."

Things like that really cut deep, and growing up learning the industry i intended to be in i suppose you had to learn those hard truths early. Still doesn't make it any easier though..
And to this day the song that describes my life the most is "At Seventeen" by Janis Ian. If i'm ever lucky enough to meet any of you i'll sing it for you.. I rock it at Karaoke !!

I suppose what i'm trying to say is we've all had similar journeys to get us to the path we're all travelling together, but at the end of the day if you're happy with yourself that's all you can ask for- and i know that that's where we're all trying to be at and personally, i know that i'm forging greater friendships with each and every banded person i've met and regularly talk to than i have in my whole life.

Stay strong,
Sami Xx

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Ho Ho Ho.. Merry Christmas !

2008-12-27T12:19:00.002+12:00

Merry Christmas everyone !!!

I'm so glad it's over. I'm still in Cairns at the house of horrors and have been lazing around like a sloth. But i didn't put on anything over the silly season so that pleases me greatly !! I'm back to 95 even so it's creeping back down. The next thing on the agenda to think about i suppose is a New Year's Resolution.. Time flies when you're having fun.

One thing i have definitely noticed is that since i stopped exercising i've turned to slop. Complete and utter slop. So the next 30 Kilos is going to be alllll about exercise i'm thinking. And toning. Ryan wants me to start doing free weights too which isn't as crazy as it sounds either, apparently if you do free weights before you eat in the morning it speeds up your metabolism ten fold. Worth a crack. Only problem is i'm weak and picked up a 5 kg dumbbell in the sports store yesterday and nearly fell over. LOL !!!!!!

The family situation is yet to improve.. i am so so so so so so angry. I'll speak openly about my band with anyone that wants to hear it- except for one member of my family. I specifically did not want this person to know i'd had the band, so my mother told them that i was considering it but i was refused by the surgeon due to my gynae problems..

So last night my grandfather, in all his wisdom let it slip, which realllllllllly pisses me off when i've gone to such great lengths to keep it from her. To make matters worse this person has moved back to townsville. But what makes it worse was that i was talking to her like 4 days ago saying i HADN'T had the band cos of what my mum had told her.. Now i look like a complete and utter liar. You probably think i'm being petty but i'm furious and have now locked myself in the bedroom.

I can't wait to go home...

Sami Xx

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Hi, My name is Sam and i like to eat my feelings.. And i wonder why ??!!!!!

2008-12-24T12:11:00.002+12:00

So this trip is just getting better. My lovely mother last night pulled me into her bedroom because she had bought me some pants for christmas and wanted me to try them on. These pants were the same as she was wearing.. And were grandma pants. Bridget Jones style i'm talking. So i halfheartefly pulled on the pants and as i suspected they looked fucken terrible. I'm one of these people with horridly expressive faces, so my disappointment was obviously not easily concealed.

When she saw it written all over my face how much i hated these silly pants she said to me well i'm so sick of what you wear now- you have a roll of fat on your stomach (which i do.. and will get sucked out and cut off when i get to goal !!!) and i'm a fat sloppy pig apparently. This coming from a woman who has not got her hair done or had a shred of makeup put on her bootleather face this side of 1976. Stupid bitch. My mother or not, how dare she be so callous. I've lost alot of weight and have a lot of problems that prevent me from losing more, but last night i came to a conclusion. One that has been dancing around in the back of my mind for a very long time but that i consciously did not want to accept.

Nothing i ever do will ever be good enough for her. No decision i make will ever be right.

Something she'll just have to live with suppose, like all the other crappy decisions i've made that she's forced on me.. But that's another story.

Twilight tonight, oh Edward..!!!! Anyone know a good agent ? I want to audition for Breaking Dawn. And i'm utterly serious !!!!

Sami Xx

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Sami.. Needs to remember that Jesus is the reason for the season

2008-12-23T12:59:00.002+12:00

Right- so my weight isn't moving. In fact, it's gone back up. Merry fucking christmas.

And i'm in Cairns with the family menagerie. I use that term because that's what it's like. So now i'm locked in the bedroom @ my grandparents place because my aunt is a total crack whore and we've been fighting. This is how it went down. I've been reading her books.. The twilight series. So this morning she went at me because she said i'd dog eared the pages in her book. Which then made me retalliate with something along the lines of "shove your fucking book fair up your arse.. I'll buy my own." And then it just escalated from there. Yes not ideal and not the way to respect my elders i am aware, however, she is a bitch.. I can't stand her, the whole family hates her and the only reason we're even remotely nice to her is because she lives with my grandparents and i don't want to upset them. She, on the other hand, is going to be a very VERY lonely woman when they die. I'm trying to remain composed and remember that jesus is the reason for the season and we need to celebrate and be happy and all that jazz, but her behaviour is just abominable.

On a brighter note, it was my daughter's birthday yesterday.. She's so gorgeous. I still don't know how i managed to have such a beautiful girl. It amazes me. And i definitely cannot believe she is 3 !!!!!! The party on the other hand was a complete disaster.. Thanks again to my lovely aunt..

I think i need some cheering up. Maybe i'll go see Twilingt (Swoooon..) AGAIN !! Tomorrow night.

Sami Xx

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Sami- They call me the wild rose..

2008-12-18T23:44:00.002+12:00

Hi Everyone !!!
I want to start by thanking everyone on the lovely comments about my hair !! Everyone loves it.. But me. So i regret to say, it will NOT be staying. For someone who regards themselves so highly as a fashionista sista it is definitely a faux pas and a half !! Thinking i might spend some time with my natural colour until iget to goal weight which i've not done in years !!

Which brings me to my next topic.. The fill. So i had 6.25 ml in my band and i was underfilled.. So rolled up to the surgeon on Tuesday and he said righto you couldn't eat last time at 6.5ml so i'll put that back in and see how you go. I'm going the same. SHIT !!!!!!!!!!! Today i pb'd hardcore at lunchtime. So i'm just going to have to take it easy and chew chew chew !!! That surgeon makes me laugh though. He said to me when i walked in "Sam, you've put on weight.." Why thankyou for the newsflash captain obvious !!! The scales and i are BFF so it's not like i was oblivious or anything. Bloody Dr's. On the upside it seems the bleeding is beginning to subside so i need to get my arse into gear with the exercising ! I was told by a friend of mine that rollerblading is excellent, however on the other hand i was told that swimming was better. Now i'm confused.. Does anybody really know for sure ?

I'm on holidays now and i couldn't be happier. I've been so so stressed from work it's ridiculous. I lost my appeal so now i have to go and fight it out through the merit protection commission.. Basically because my ex manager is a lying crack whore. But that's ok, the truth will come out in the end. It always does.

At the moment i'm on team Twilight. I've done some calculations and i need to find a town like Forks to move to where there's never any sun- i'd be perfect with my stupid english skin. I might audition for the next movie.. And the war has been waged between Bridget and i for Rob Pattinson's heart. Swoooon.. LOL !!!!

Well i best be off- i'm presently googling accommodation in Tamworth for the country music festival.. Which Bridget will be attending. Which reminds me i must also find a hot sexy pair of cowgirl boots.. LOL !!!!

Talk soon,
Sami Xx

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So i sent some men to fight, and one came back at dead of night- said he'd seen my enemy, said She looks just like Me..

2008-12-15T14:10:00.003+12:00

Hi Everyone,

i haven't updated lately cos i've felt like absolute shit. I'm tired all the time and still bleeding. I'm just over it all. I've not lost an ounce, in fact i've put on a kilo.. I went to my surgeon this morning and got a fill and he said to me "well Sam, you've put on a kilo.." I felt like saying why thankyou Cptain Obvious- I told you i'd put on when i emailed 2 fucking weeks ago. So he gave me 0.25 which brings me upto 6.5ml in my 10ml band.

As you'll notice, the title of this blog is quite profound. Whn i get really anaemic and tired i start reaching for things like chocolate bars and chips and softdrink, things that are high in sugar that pick me up quickly but then make me crash and burn- it's by doing this that makes me my own worst enemy. I've also been rather fond of soft serve cones and post mix cokes from HJ's lately. Yes i know- bad bad bad.. I've been slipping into old habits and i need to get the hell out of them. I suppose the good thing is that i'm thinking objectively and identifying where i'm going wrong.

The hair was something i did on a whim- which i'm now regretting. Everyone loves it.. But me- not so much.. My hair dresser wants me to keep it red and get extensions so it's long and ranga. Redheads are usually so sexy- just not me. Pretty sure it's cos i'm so pale at the moment.

I sincerely hope that everyone is doing better than i am-

at the moment i feel like my world is collapsing..

Sami Xx

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Last post deleted

2008-12-12T17:22:00.002+12:00

Hi Guys !
I deleted the last post i put up because i have a new friend at work. He's in Perth and i thought it was a bit how's your father for him to be reading.. (hello to Mark if you're looking!.. and enjoy the cranky man you're speaking to as i'm typing..LOL!!)

I'll put up a proper update tonight- getting fill Tuesday. Getting my hair done tomorrow- thinking of going Aubrun. Thoughts ?

Sami Xx

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Previous statement retracted- No fill needed !!!

2008-11-26T20:38:00.001+12:00

Just choked after 2 bites of dinner.. Done the calculations- Don't think i need a fill. I just need to motivate my lazy arse !

Public service announcement.. I am the worst blogger EVER !!!

2008-11-26T20:08:00.002+12:00

Yes i suck. I know this. It is a fact i am well aware of. I haven't written because i've been busy/sick/stressed..

My weight isn't moving because i haven't been doing any exercise- i feel like a big tub of lard on legs at the moment which is really quite depressing. And i have no energy at all to exercise because.. you guessed it ! It that time of the month (although i haven't had it since frigging August.) Now i've probably blogged before on how heavy it is but seriously, this is like niagra falls. I went to the Dr and he said yeah just go to the emergency department.. don't forget to pay my $60 on the way out now though will you ? Fucken useless retard !! I swear i'm not going back to him. So very over it all. Have decided to just go to bulk bill Dr's.

Which brings me to the ENT surgeon. I saw that dickhead yesterday.. I don't have nodules (*sigh of relief !!*) yet at the same time- shitfight. So yeah.. don't have to go under the knife which is a good thing cos i didn't really want them to be in there fucking around with my voice.. But the work aspect is shit.

So yeah feel like shit. Still stuck on 95 kilos (hence why i'm yet to update progress pics..). I feel like i'm going to be a big fat fuck forever.. Need a fill i'm thinking.

Why is life so hard ?!!!!!!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Sami Xx

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So over it

Hellllllo from Cairns !!!

2008-11-22T10:12:00.002+12:00

Well i'm in sunny cairns at the moment visiting family and yeah.. It's been interesting to say the least. We're so very different. I was fighting with my mother the minute i stepped into her house which was impressive.. And i swear i'm adopted. My mother and i are like chalk and cheese. I'm into fashion and makeup- she's never worn makeup or had her hair done in her life.. I'm really girly- she's not. I'm tactful- she's downright obnoxious. Now you may think i'm harsh but here's an example. I had a Partylite party last night because i'm thinking of becoming a consultant and she was just loud and rude to the lady doing the party the whole time. Asking her questions like "so how much do you make..? bet it's not as much as Sam makes working for the government.." I bet it isn't either. But then i bet she doesn't want to kill herself rather than walk through the doors at work every morning. My mother is one of these people that thinks "government job.. cruisey.. set for life.." Newsflash for anyone reading this of that opinion. That is FALSE. It's more fucked than the private sector. To the point where you get in trouble for going 5 seconds over on your piss break. I'm so stressed- my whole holidays have been a fucked unit because i'm so stressed. It's that time of the month and i'm retaining fluid like a mofo so the scales aren't moving.. It's just been soooo crap !!! I hope everyone else is having a better time than me.

Sami Xx

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Hot and Cold

2008-11-19T10:28:00.003+12:00

Hi Everyone,
sorry for the lack of posts but i've been having a hell of a time lately.. Mainly work issues. I suppose it comes with my job but just been so so stressed i can't believe it. I'm on holidays now and my head is consumed with work- i have a couple of different "disputes" we shall call them for the sake of political correctness.. and all i can think about are things like "what's going to happen next, what are they going to do to me when i get back.." feels like every bloody step i take i'm walking on eggshells and anything i say and do is being scrutinized and i'm terrified of the fear of retribution (which i've been copping lately.) Then my other worry is money.. I ended up going out on leave the other day because my doctor thought it was in the best interest of my mental health and because i have no sick leave left- got no pay. So yeah.. At the moment they control everything and i control nothing and i'm so very over it. Now i've vented about that.. Next !

My band has been playing up a treat ! I was thinking it was hormonal (due to my erratic, non existent cycle..) and i couldn't eat for about 3 weeks because it was so tight. So i finally thought ok i need some out and out of desperation went to see the fill Dr (which i hate doing because she can never find my port and then i'm sore as a motherfucker because she jabs around in my stomach for like 15 minutes) out of pure desperation to get some fill out and sure enough- she couldn't find the port. What a surprise.. NOT !! So had to wait ANOTHER week to get fill out in X-Ray. She took 1 ml out to being me back down to 5.5 and said see how i go with that.. I went back to the surgeon a week later and i was starving.. Ravenous hungry ! So he gave me 0.5 to bring me back up to 6ml. A week on I was still finding i was getting hungry like every 3 hours.. So called the fill Dr again to get a tiny bit more fill (made sure i booked it in X-Ray this time..) So now i have 6.25 ml in my 10 ml band. My Dr and the fill Dr have both said the band is a prosthesis and is not affected by hormones or other medication etc.. But when i talked to my GP about my antidepressants he said that they could have an affect and make the band feel a bit tighter. I'm a touch sick of contradicting information given by medical professionals.. Seems like they're all retarded and like to play guessing games with people's lives.

The last couple of days have been exceptionally sucky. My cycle is everywhere and didn't know where i was upto. I've been PMS'ing like a bitch (as you do when it hasn't been that time of the month since August and it's now mid November..) but i finally got it on Monday. So i'm preparing for the usual bleeding for aaaaaaaaaaaages and feeling like shit. Love love love my body.

So i haven't written for a while and those are my reasons. I've had so much to say but just haven't been in the right space in my head to write anything constructive, in fact, chances are if i did write something it would have been a rant..

Taking new progress pics in the next couple of days so stay tuned for those !!
Sami Xx

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STOP PRESS !!!!!!!!!

2008-11-06T00:07:00.003+12:00

The top ones were taken on the 20/10/08- i'll be taking new full body ones on the 20/11/08

Me- May 07.. The pic that changed it all...

Ok- this is me in May last year. This is the picture that made me snap out of myself and think how absolutely fucking horrible i looked. This was what made me get the band and what drags my bitch arse out walking and to dancing and to the gym. This person is gone. Forever.

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Oh and the marks all over my face aren't acne- i actually had chicken pox. Thanks daycare..

The top ones were taken on the 20/10/08.. re-posted so you can see the comparison by request =)

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Sami.. Strictly ballroom..

2008-11-05T13:35:00.006+12:00

This pic was taken about 2 weeks ago

As was this one..

This one was taken when i was playing superstar DJ in Brisbane in August

This one was taken last year when i was at my heaviest weight- taken around September..

This one was taken last year when i was around 118 kg in August last year

Hi everyone !

I know i've been slack on the updates but i've had that much going on you wouldn't believe it. I'm stressed out to the max from work and just beside myself. But the things we do for a dollar hey ? On a brighter note i went to dance class last night and i'm still very pleased to report that i'm loving every second !!!! Last night i didn't look like such a retard. Only in one dance.. But there's this guy there and he's one of the "actual dancers" and we all swap partners through the night and anyway i was "lucky" enough to score him for the dance that i just couldn't get (one turn in the dance..) and mind you i improved alot after dancing with him but i found him to be.. well a bit of a prick actually. Just like i was an inconvenience and he was a bit condescending and it kind of put me off a bit. Maybe he was just having a bad day..? It hasn't put me off because i still had heaps of fun and it was a brilliant workout but yeah..

Had to get fill out last week. Decided after not eating for about three and a half weeks that i was overfilled :S So i went to my dr's fill dr (whom i think is useless..) and of course she couldn't get the port. Spent like 15 minutes jabbing into my gut with the needle and then announced we'd have to arrange to do it in xray- so had to wait another week. So got a ml out now and i'm ravenous !!! As in can eat 3 pieces of pizza type hungry ! Before i had my fill out i was choking on mushies. Funny how little can affect it.. Tempramental bloody thing !!! The scales are still being retarded and my weight is slowly creeping down.. Like a snail.. But my body is definitely changing which i'm loving and i think you're really starting to see the changes in my face.. What do you reckon ?

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Calling all bandits NATIONALLY !! I have a dream..

2008-10-23T23:41:00.005+12:00

Hey guys,
I’m on a mission and I need help. Lots of people will be aware that September was the month to raise awareness for Ovarian Cancer and the theme for this particular cancer (like breast cancer is pink,) is silver- so they aptly gave the awareness campaign name this year "Silver in September." For those people who don't know about this particular type of cancer, it's a nasty one. By the time it's detected it's almost too late because there are no actual tests to make diagnosis properly... And these cancers tend to play hide and seek on ultrasounds and things like that. All us ladies go and have Pap Smears to check for nasty changes to our cervixes which can lead to cancer- but at the moment there's no type of test like a pap smear to test for ovarian cancer. (Pap smears DO NOT have anything to do with your ovaries at all- this test is not for the purpose of detecting changes to your ovaries.) So then I was thinking about this as I bought my silver pins and pens this year and had an idea...

Fellow bandits-I have a dream... that we can all unite and walk this baby. And I’m not talking part of it... The WHOOOOOOOLE thing!! I want all bandits across Australia (and anyone else you know that may be interested) to unite so we can get together for a nation wide meet and greet for one and to raise money for the Ovarian Cancer Research Foundation (OCRF) which is an organisation that has a goal to develop and implement an early detection program, to improve the mortality rate, management and long-term survival of women with ovarian cancer and to gain fundamental understanding of the causes of ovarian cancer.

For those of you who read my blog regularly you'll have read particular posts about the Gynae problems I have myself, which are severe and I was told last week that I may need a radical hysterectomy any old day to fix everything.. Just what you want to hear at the ripe old age of 23... But what I haven't mentioned in my blog is that I’ve lost several women in my family as well as friends to not only ovarian cancer, but cervical, breast and loads of other types as well- this is something that's close to my heart and I’m very passionate about. The mortality rate for this particular type of cancer is bordering on ridiculous and it has to stop.

Yes I am aware as pointed out to me already by a fellow bandit that Olivia Newton-John and many of her celebrity friends have just done this for breast cancer... Who cares? If we got together and did the hard yards it would have lots of advantages which I shall list now
- What is better exercise than walking that whole bloody wall the whole way across China?
- Everyone who knows someone who has, had or has died from cancer and definitely knows someone with ovaries.
- And the best part... drum roll... we get to raise awareness not only Ovarian cancer and the OCRF but for weight loss surgery and lap band in Australia!

Madison magazine Australia, Witchery and the NAB (which is where I got my pins and pens from) are behind this cause to kick it off and have run awareness/fundraising campaigns themselves in conjunction with the OCRF. Witchery and Madison have teamed up to promote the OCRF White Shirt Campaign. Check it out @ www.witchery.com.au.

Now yes this is a big scale idea I know- but for those of you that talk to me frequently, I’m not in the habit of doing things in halves. If we're going to do this we're going to do it right so what I need is expressions of interest... It takes alot of time to organise a big scale event like this... And then we would need to save for airfares, travel expenses etc. as every single cent we raise will go to the OCRF- this is not a free holiday.

Who wants to join me walking the Great Wall of China to raise awareness for 2 worthy causes? Please email me at little_miss_priss_is@hotmail.com and make sure to check out www.ocrf.com.au as well.

If you're not doing this because you're a woman and you could possibly have a better chance of fighting this nasty disease off, or you think guys can't get involved, think again. Do it for your wife or your mother or your sister or you daughter or any other woman you know... Help keep their name off the next statistics list that comes out purely because they have ovaries and were unlucky enough to get stung with this disease. Enough is enough.

As you're thinking about this post I’ll be off trawling for a dress to wear for new years.. I've decided on a colour theme- Silver.

Cheers-
Sami Xx

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Opinions won't keep you warm at night

2008-10-22T00:27:00.006+12:00

Hi guys !!!
so yesterday i went into one of the boutiques here in Townsvegas because i'd seen a dress in the window that i wanted to buy for inspiration- i actually want to be able to wear it to my work christmas party. So anyway i looked at the 12 and thought ok , that's more like a 10 it's so tiny so i asked the sales assistant (whom i'm presuming is the owner of the store) if it was possible or her to get me a 14 in the dress. She looked me up and down and said "well you'll need to put a deposit on it and know your size because you won't be able to return it if it doesn't fit." The way she treated me was abominable. Like i was fat scum who'd never be able to fit into anything in her store. To add to the embarrassment i was with my husband. I was ropeable. I vowed i'd never go into her stupid shop again and went straight home and called the flagship boutique in Sydney and got the dress directly through them. Congratulations you small minded Townsville bitch- your bad attitude and abominable customer service skills just talked you out of a $500 sale. Then i wrote an email to the designers customer relations unit suggesting that if they wish to sell their label in Townsville to switch boutiques. I was so so angry. But i'm so pleased i got the dress anyway ! =)

So this morning i got up and went for a walk- for an hour and a half. That woman has made me more determined than ever to fit into that bloody dress and look hot as. I just happened to take my digital camera and walk by her shop..;) But i walked up and down hills and just walked forever. And it felt great. And then tonight.. you'll never believe i did this. I went to a ballroom dancing class. I love it. Absolutely love it. I looked like a bit of a spastic but everyone was telling me how great i was considering it was my first time. And they were so so nice. And a workout.. Oh my god. Amazing !!!!! I strongly recommend it !!!! I'm going to go to the social classes for a few weeks and see if i get a bit better on my feet but i love it and it's great exercise.. Done the calculations and i'm thinking that i'm going to need to invest in some ballroom dance shoes !!!!

Keep up the great work everyone.
Sami Xx

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Tumble outta bed and i stumble to the kitchen, pour myself a cup of ambition !

2008-10-20T00:48:00.003+12:00

Hey guys,
well big news, i managed to eat dinner !! I made really sloppy shepherds pie and to my delight didn't PB it. Exciting !!!! I took a couple of pics so you could see what i look like at 97 kg. Getting there.. Changed my goal weight back to 65 i'm thinking.. I shall see how i go. Please excuse the orangeness of me in these pics- i am aware i look like an oompa loompa and the camera has made me look orange but i don't look like this in real life. Promise !!!! I was a sray tan virgin til i went and got one in Cairns on Friday. And a brazillian.. For the first time ever. How liberating !!!! It's kind of like how chicks used to burn their bras in the 60's.. lol.

So i'm slowly starting to be able to eat again but i'm also trying to kick up the exercise. Decided i want to make myself over Delta Goodrem Style so went to the hairdresser today and i'm blonder. But the best part of the story is that i walked there !! And all the way home as well !!!!! I'm still admittedly having trouble eating though so tomorrow i'm going to go on optifast for a couple of weeks. My body is re-shaping but not losing anything on the scales. Oh and tomorrow i'm going to go to the gym and do body balance. Should be interesting !!!

Thankyou so much to everyone reading my blog and for your lovely comments. They keep me going.. Although i must admit vanity is starting to kick in as well :P

Sami Xx

Ps. I am so SO in love with yellow clothes at the moment.. Loving it. Love pretty little yellow dresses so much i'd have sex with them if i could. LOL !!

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Hormonal or Drug related ?

2008-10-15T21:05:00.004+12:00

Hey guys !!!

well sorry again i haven't posted for so long. I've been up in Cairns for a wedding and visiting the grandparents because my husband is STILL in germany so no point being at home. The scales have moved very slowly but i tell you what- i haven't been able to eat anything for a few days. I'm thinking that it's that time of the month (not sure cos my cycle is so random) and perhaps my band has tightened cos i've read on other people's blogs that theirs do that due to their hormones. Orrrrrr the other alternative is that perhaps it's the antidepressants i'm on. My Dr did mention that they may do this. So i'm guessing it's happening. Which isn't overly fun. Every single bloody thing i put in my mouth that isn't a liquid i pb !!!!! So unfun !!!

But.. Official announcement. i'm a size 16 !!!!! i'm no longer that yukky in between size !!!!!

I'm thinking because i'm so weak i'll go on opti for a week or two.. See if that helps.. At the moment all i want to do it sleep alllll day which i can't do because my grandparents are sick. So fingers crossed for me everyone that the opti helps pick me back up.

How's everyone else out in band land doing ?

Sami Xx

Ps. I went to a wedding on Saturday night (which was gorgeous.. i'm so pleased for my friends Emma and Josh!!) and then i went to the clubs afterwards... see the pics above !!

Pps. Still a hell of a long way to go... 28 kilos in fact. but getting there slowly and surely..

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Confessions of a broken heart..

2008-10-05T22:30:00.003+12:00

Hey guys,

sorry i haven't blogged for a while but i've had alot going on and it's been quite an emotional time for me. As you all know i had the big party coming up for my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary party coming up.. well it was last weekend. And it was one of the worst, most horrible weekends of my life.

Leading up to it was wonderful, seeing everyone, getting my hair and makeup done and wearing heels for the fiest time since i can remember was amzing and i looked HOT. Hotty McHotness from Hotsville. And that's the understatement of the year.. (i'll be sure not to go out in the wind anytime soon.. LOL !!)but we were running so late i didn't get any pictures..

Then the night went on, and i used to study singing so my mother bullied me into singing (even though my voice is damaged now and i can't really sing until i get it fixed) and so i started singing and got through a verse and a chorus (with my mum standing next to me saying "what's wrong with you.. you sound utterly fucking woeful..") so i just put some other music on and went outside and cried. And cried my eyes out.. and cried some more. I don't think i've ever felt such humiliation in my life.

I was teary before that though.. You see my nana has cancer. She's had it for about 5 years now. And it's aesophegial- so basically it's closing off her throat and the way she has to eat is basically the way us bandits do. She Pb's at every meal and forever gets stucks. So i saw her doing it in the middle of dinner and sent mum over to get her and take her to the bathroom. Then i went in to check on her and walked her back to the table and it really hit me how frail she is. And they think she has a secondary cancer now that's in her pancreas.. So i'm not really sure how much time she has left. And i can feel my heart breaking by the second. So i tried to stay strong for everyone else but behind closed doors i fell apart. Cried and cried and cried. Then i bought her a soecial present just from me and got her a card and wrote her a letter. I bought her two of those Wilow Tree Angels- and one of them is "forever in my heart." Here is the letter that i wrote for her-

"To dearest Nana,

I’m writing this to you because there are a lot of things that I want to say to you and need to say before it’s too late. I know you’ve been fighting for a very long time now and you’re tired, but I just wanted to write you a little something to let you know how much you mean to me- kind of like the confessions of a broken heart. Ever since I’ve been really little there have been two constant things in my life- You and Granddad. When I moved to Townsville it made it harder for me to come and visit but it doesn’t mean that I stopped thinking about you. I never have and I never will.. I think about you all the time and I would love to think that a lady of your class and calibre has inspired me to become who I am today and has influenced my life in ways that you don’t even know. Every time I’ve ever needed anything you’ve been there to support me and help pick me back up when I fall, and you’ve done it my whole life, even still, you’re thinking about how safe I’m going to be when you’re gone.. The only difference is that I’ll have to pick myself up without you. Words cannot express how happy I was for you to see me get married and have Charlie- I’m just sorry we aren’t closer and you can’t see her enough as you’d have liked to. I told you on the phone that Ryan wants to have another baby next year, and I’m desperately hoping that you’re here to meet the little one.. And down the track Ryan and I are going to renew our wedding vows which I want you here for as well- I don’t want you to give up, because I need you here with me as selfish as that is.. And even though you’re still here, even the very thought of you not being here is unimaginable. I know Saturday night was overwhelming for you but I hope you enjoyed it- we all tried our hardest to make it come off smoothly and hopefully you had a good night. I’m sorry my voice wasn’t up to singing for you, it was something that I particularly wanted to do for the both of you.. And the reason I got so upset was because I knew that I’d failed you both. I suppose I just want to say thankyou. Thankyou for everything you’ve ever done and everything you will continue to do. Thankyou for your support, your concern, your love and most of all for being you.I can’t tell you how I feel at the moment- seeing you this weekend and how sick and frail you are is breaking my heart by the second, and I’ve had to quite often slink off and have a cry to myself because I don’t want you to see me upset. I want you to be strong, and keep fighting, even though you’re tired I know you can win nana. You’re one of the most strong and capable women I know. But when the time does eventually come to say goodbye, (which I hope is a very long time coming..), I guess the only way to describe how I feel is like I am right now. Like an onion being peeled.. You just have to be me to understand how raw I am, and feel the layers slowly coming off.. As I said at the start, there’s not a day I don’t think about you and there’ll never be a day that I won’t. I will never stop and you’ll be forever in my heart. The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart- which is the way that I see the precious time we have together. And the reason that my heart is breaking.. All my love forever and a day.. Xx"

So i know this post hasn't much been about weight loss but mine's sitting constant at the moment at around 97.

I just wanted to share some other aspects of my life with you all.

So to love, to laughter and to happily ever after- but most of all to my grandparents, Anne and Don Hawkins- the lights of my life.

Wow

2008-09-24T08:00:00.002+12:00

Hey guys,
yes i am aware it's early o'clock and the rooster has just crowed... it's pathetic. My daughter is sick and has been up most of the night so i'll have to take her to the dr's AGAIN. I swear to god Qld Health is on the news for a reason, they are PATHETIC !!!! My poor little piggy has been sick on and off for months with this silly flu- as have i but for weeks, not months. So yeah i'm just hanging out for 7:30 to rock around so i can call work and tell them i'm not coming in. I'm sure they'll be very impressed. Not. That's one of the major things that sucks about the army and being an army wife. You don't have a support network. And like my employer are pretty good and fairly flexible but still i'd rather be working than at home watching her bullshit on tv all day- and she'll be tempramental as well because she's sick. Guaranteed that by 10 am i'll want to stab Dorothy the Dinosaur in the eyes.

Anyway, because i'm up when the rooster crowed this morning (actually it was something silly like 4 am when i finally gave up and though i'll just get up.. my sleep was broken all night anyway..) i decided to go surfing round everyone's blogs- which i haven't done for ages !!

It's absolutely wonderful to see how great everyone is going !! Makes you think we're all in the same situation, we all get frustrated with restriction and we all plateau- which sucks, that i'm not denying, but it happens to the best of us. Anyway so on with my story.. One of the blogs had virtual models ( a couple did actually) and so i decided to steal their idea basically..

So, the top one was of me at starting weight - 123.8. Absolutely hideous to say out loud.
The next one is where i'm sitting at now- 97.7
And the final one is where i want to be at my goal- which i have changed my mind and decided i now want to be 70. Initially it was 65 and then i realised when i met my friend for lumch yesterday that that's ridiculous. She's a good food shorter than me and she is a size 10 and weighs 68kg. So me being 65- would clearly make me look anorexic. Not the look i'm going for at all..

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Oh happy day !

2008-09-24T00:54:00.003+12:00

Hey everyone !

well today was my day off from work which is always good but tomorrow is one of my long days. I still have the flu terribly and my throat is KILLING me !! But other than that it's all good. Today i just did me activities. Which involved spending a SHITLOAD of cash to prepare for this magical party saturday night. I started off with a spa pedicure, then went to the dr.. fun fun fun ! Then i met up with Loz my friend from Melbourne. Shoutout to Loz if you're reading this !! Was soooooo good to see her. Didn't realise how much i actually missed her until i saw her ! Then we fucked around a bit and had lunch and i bought the "queen bee" charm for my gold themed pandora bracelet and then, it was down to business. I ordered a top online for the party (praying to god it gets here in time !) And i needed bottoms. So i thought.. Hmmm ok, Jeans West make small fits but i'll try on the 20. Low and beh0ld i had to get the 18 !! And they weren't tight. That's what i was wearing when i met my husband at 80 kg mind you- (they were faded as and stretched to the shithouse but still..) pretty big achievement in my book !!!! So that made my day.

Then i dropped Lauren home and whipped off to look at shoes for the party and got these ones that make my legs look hot hot hot !! Shame they'll be under jeans but meh what the hell. For future reference. LOL !! Then it was time to get my lashes tinted and permed and my eyebrows tinted and waxed. So the me day was a great success overall i'm feeling.

In the shower i shaved my legs and all that shit and exfoliated as well so now i smell like peony flowers and did my face peel as well. If i left it to tomorrow or thursday i'd be getting over it and thinking mmmm can't be bothered.. lol. People that read this probably think OMG what a high maintenance chick ! Ah well, beauty does have a price as they say.

In my busy schedule i didn't eat much and i got on the exercise bike for half hour which was good. So so hot in Tonwsville at the moment i can feel the kilos dripping off !!!!

Hope everyone else had a day as brilliant as mine. Thinking of you all,

Sami Xx

PS. I've put a pic up the top of the top i ordered for this magical party.. Hopefully the silly thing gets here in time !!!!

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Dear hips and stomach, i fucking HATE you. Love Sam

2008-09-23T00:08:00.003+12:00

Ok so the scales still aren't moving, i'm going to hit the gym again tomorrow morning. I've had the flu so i must admit i've been a bit lax on the exercise but still.. i'm eating nothing ! I'm so close to fitting into size 16 pants and still wavering around the 98 kg mark and my legs and that are looking so skinny but the fat on my stomach and the fact that i have hips that you can drive a truck through is not helping me fit into those damn size 16 pants !!!!! on the food side of things this last fill has really kicked in. i have to be really careful with what i eat and i can't eat much at all (eg. cold and flu tablets getting stuck.) so that'll help i hope. i just need to up my water and my exercise !! i've got the grandparents anniversary party this saturday so looks like i'll have to wear jeans (hoping i'll fit into a 20 from jeans west..) i should if i'm nearly a 16 in normal pants !!!!! but you never know. tomorrow is my day off so i'm going to the gym, then the dr, then my girl lauren is in town !!! we've been friends for ages and i've missed her like crazy so we're going to catch up. i so wish we were closer.. love her to death !!! i'll put a pic up from the good old days.. lol !! tomorrow i'm going to aim for more than 5 seconds on the elliptical machine. wish me luck guys !!!! til next time.. xx

PS. In the pic is lauren on the left, me in the middle (at around 82 kg) and my ex housemate margie on the right. not the best pic but we're hotties all the same.. well i think so.. lol !

When it's sink or swim You've gotta think to win !

2008-09-16T13:34:00.002+12:00

Well i joined a gym. It's official. I joined on the weekend and it's Tuesday today and i have the flu and it would have been so easy for me to not go but i made my bitch arse go ! And i went and did about 5 seconds on the elliptical machine (nearly killed me..lol) then 30 minutes on the treadmill with the incline on 3.5 and at 5.5 km's an hour then about 25 minutes on the exercise bike. So i was pretty pleased overall with that effort ! Specially when i'm sick and i still went !

Then i had to go see my surgeon and got a fill so that was good too- he gave me a ml.. I have restriction at meal times but i've been finding that i'm getting hungry between meals. So now i have 6.5 ml in. I wouldn't have bothered getting any at all in if i wasn't snacking between meals but i have been so i did. I'd lost about 3 kg since i last saw the Dr a month ago so they were really happy with that. (I'm not). But i'm fluidy as a motherfucker as well which isn't fun, i've been finding i'm so swollen that i've got to jam my wedding rings on in the morning.

Still no luck with a dress for my grandparents anniversary party- however have struck gold for the army ball in November. It's a Lisa Ho dress that's like a white strapless maxi dress and will look amazing up here in Townsville and then it has like this smoke print on the front and it's hard to explain but it will take away from my belly. My husband i'm thinking i'll get him a matching like gun metal grey Hugo Boss suit. We'll look hot. Just have to get to size 14.. should be achieveable. I've got 8-9 wks to do it so gotta get into it.. hoping the gym and fill will help. As for the party- no idea. Just find a nice top i'm hoping (i'm in between sizes so that's adding to my frustration) and hopefully i'll be able to buy a pair of jeans off the rack from Jeans West or something. I'll put pics up for sure of that as well. Hopefully i'll be looking flash as Michael Jackson. Well praying...

Thinking of all my fellow bandits- Xx

The cold hard fact is..

2008-09-15T00:05:00.004+12:00

Wellll i know i haven't updated for a while but i've had so so much on ! It was my birthday last week and that was really great. Got some lovely pressies so i'm a very lucky girl but the downer is that i turned 23. I feel so so old ! My mother in law was up to help me celebrate which was good because my husband left for Germany the day before which i was a bit sad about.. But never mind. I just need to stay positive- he'll be back in a couple of weeks. But we did eat alot of crap that weekend.. LOL !!

Then i've had Charlie realllllllly sick. She's been sick on and off for months and had so much medication i can't poke a stick at but now they've finally figured out she's got asthma. She's had the nastiest cough for days and days the poor little thing. And at her daycare she keeps getting all these mosquito bites all over her. So unimpressed because she's allergic and so scratching the shit out of herself and they're scarring. The last couple of days she's not been eating or drinking though but i managed to get some fluids into her tonight which was good.

And now we talk about the dreaded weight thing. Well the Dr changed my AD's and put me on mood stabilisers as well. And he said be aware, these may make you put on weight cos it makes your brain think you're hungry.. And i kind of thought whatever i've got the band so i'll be right. WRONG !!!! I've put on like 2 kilos so back upto 99. I'm so so cranky. I've changed back to my old medication now so should start getting back into it but i've joined a gym and i'm getting a fill tomorrow so that should help. The Gym especially, if i ever have time to friggen go. But the cold hard fact at the moment is that i've slipped back into some of my old patterns and upped my liquid calories (eg. coke etc.. which hasn't helped matters..) and i feel like a big fat whale !!!! So that's in turn triggered me to feel like shit and eat a bit more. But i've walked that hill so i know i can do anything i put my mind to. I just have to get some time to do it !

I've set myself an exercise goal as well.. In about 10-15 more kilos i want to start taking dance classes. I watched Step Up and Step Up 2 on the weekend and it was awesome. I'd love to dance like that. I can see myself now ripping it up in a club somewhere. LOL. But i've always wanted to do ballroom and latin american as well.. So i'm thinking i might see if i can get into some classes for those styles. Obviously not confident enough yet- i feel like a big fat cow but yeah down the track definitely.

Hope everyone has been behaving themselves more than i have !

Sami Xx

PS. Did anyone watch dancing with the stars tonight ? Sonia's dress was by Matthew Eager and it was just stunning. That's exactly what i'd love to wear to the army ball (mid november- so very little hope there..) But it was so simple but glamourous. Loved it !!!! And the colour was like this cobalt/electric blue. It was amazing ! (If you haven't noticed i have a passion for fashion..Thinking i've missed my calling- should be a stylist. Trinny and Susannah look out !!!! LOL !)

Emotional Eat-O-Rama

2008-09-04T10:25:00.002+12:00

Hey guys,
wellll made the appointment to go back to the Dr's today and get my antidepressants sorted out.. My daughter Charlie is unwell though as well so i've had to have ANOTHER day off work.. How i'm still employed i don't know. Must be cos i'm super awesome i'm thinking. So taking the both of us to the dr's today.

Yesterday at work though i ate myself stupid- and all crap as well. And i'm pretty sure it was all emotional eating.. Today i'm swelled up like a balloon again and yeah it's not fun at all.. Yesterday's effort food wise was...
-2 pieces of pizza (which got stuck so extra glad i didn't call the dr to get any fill..)
-2 mini crunchies
-1 giant freddo
-1 packet of twisties
-1 can of coke
-2 sprite zeroes
-2 bottles of water and
- a handful of those oven heat chips (which also got stuck.)

so yeah not real flash at all.. today i need to get back into it though. I just think the rollercoaster i've been on pushed me over the edge cos that's the first time i think since i got the band that i ate like that.. It was so disappointing.. But i came home and rode the exercise bike for ahalf an hour and then got up at 5 and rode it for half hour this morning as well ! So i'm outting the effort in now and that's what counts.. Need to brave that hill again but my husband leaves for Germany tomorrow so no way in hell i'll be pushing that pram up the hill on my own. No way !!!!

Cheers- Sami Xx

Memories seep from my veins..

2008-09-02T14:13:00.002+12:00

This has not been a good week for me. Not at all.

As most of you readers will remember i decided to cut all my doctors away and their medication as well and try alternative therapies (which have been going wonderfully by the way..) Except at the same time i went off my anti depressants (and also cancelled my psychiatrist appointment which i'd been waiting for 3 months for..) I thought i was going along fine as i went off the AD's a couple of weeks ago and then mid last week i started snapping at my husband and picking fights and just generally feeling like i was losing control. Those of you who speak with me regularly know that i'm a pretty tough chick and i never EVER cry. This week i've felt like i'm having a nervous breakdown and have been in tears at least 3 times.. I've just basically felt like everything is spinning out of control and i don't know what to do to get things back on track..

I didn't actually put 2 and 2 together until my cousin said to me when you went off all your medication did you go off your AD's as well- then it clicked. If this week is anything to go on i need them..I'm just losing it big time.

Weight wise i've stagnated. Not moving. Which is also annoying me- specially when i walked up that bastard of a hill.. And i'm trying to lose the weight to get a good dress for this party (which i'm also supposed to be singing 4 or 5 songs at) and i currently have no voice so that's another thing that's stressing me out.

Might call the dr. and beg for a fill.. maybe if it's even just half a ml..

Xx

But wait- Did anyone hear the word AWESOME ?

2008-08-31T02:57:00.003+12:00

So.. remember how a couple of posts ago i showed a photo of a massive hill that sits behind my house ? Saying it's my exercise goal to walk up it ? Well guess what ? Today, the 30/08/08 i did it. I walked ALLLLLLLL the way up that damn hill and back !

I had a couple of rest breaks along the way i must admit for some water and to stretch but i got there. Allll the way up. I was so proud of myself when i got to the top i could not wipe the smile off my face.. However- there is a downer. Now that i've done it once i have no excuse not to do it again. Of course this will help with the 10 kilos i'm planning to get off in the next 27 days but i kid you not- one part of that hill was so steep, a lady walked down with her dog and it was panting and i thought oh my god that's my exact reflection !!!

Foodwise today been pretty good. And still trying to be gluten free as well. Kudos for motivation !!!

Ps- top pic is the view when i got to the top and the bottom pic is of the view coming down.. so beautiful.

And i'm thinking about getting a tattoo at goal- although my mother has threatened to disown me =)

2008-08-26T23:12:00.004+12:00

this is what i want if i get one.. this way i can hide it with my hair.. clever !!

Sam has her cranky pants on

2008-08-26T22:53:00.002+12:00

So yeah i'm not really a happy girl today..

The husband has given me the shits. So yes in a fairly foul mood. The 20 kilos in 12 weeks thing isn't really going the greatest either. So yeah not a happy girl. Picked out a possible outfit for the magical army ball though and Jennifer Hudson Wore it so it's designed for women with curves- but- it's a jumpsuit. It's cute though. Totally disregard the pic of Heidi Klum, Jennifer Hudson is the go. Looks hot !! On the weight side fairly restricted which is a good thing but still can't push past this plateau. Grrrrr !!!!!

The heat is on !

2008-08-23T15:30:00.002+12:00

Sorry i haven't updated for a bit guys- yes i know i'm slack but i had to go and dj that abomination of an excuse for a party in childers and then got back and had to go to work so it's just been go go go !!

On the weight loss front as of this morning currently sitting on a very nice figure of 99.5. I'm ok with that- but i have the following social events coming up to keep me motivated

-September 6th - my birthday

-September 27th - the grandparents 50th wedding anniversary party

-October 11th- wedding back home in Innisfail (which haven't been back to since i left in 2003 !!)

-Octber 18th- Goosey Lucy's 18th birthdy party

- Mid November- The 1RAR ball. The first one my lovely husband has ever invited me to.

Sooooo long story short i'd like to try and lose 20kg in 12 weeks (copletely laughable, yes i am aware..) But most of these army wives are like size 10 so yeah.. If i could at least get to 80kg that'd help ! I wouldn't have to go looking like fat albert.

On a more positive note i got a fill the ther day so i now have 5.5 ml in a 10 ml band. Nearly pb'd last night for the first time since re-banding. I was scared shitless !! Cannot afford another slip at all- my dr says 3 strikes and you're out. Bugger !!

Hope everyone else is travelling ok..

thought and wishes and hugs

Sami Xx

Ok.. it's time for crisis mode !

2008-08-12T10:30:00.003+12:00

So in my last post i was talking about this wonderful dress i'd found to wear to my grandparents 50th anniversary party.. And i was so excited cos it was a really pretty dress and i was glad not to have to stress about it anymore. Well- got the order confirmation today. Dress is on backorder and won't be posted until at least the 05/11/08. The party is the 27/09/08. You can imagine how impressed i am. There was alot of swearing going on to say the least !! So now i'm back to square one.

On the weightloss front it hasn't been real flash either just quietly. I got below the 100 which i was ecstatic about and then back over- probably due to the pizza and hungry jacks i ate yesterday.. celebrating my last night of eating gluten. Because as of today Bridget and I are on strict gluten free diets ! I've tried this before to no avail cos everything i like has gluten in it.. Mmmmm. So here we go again, but this time, i'm playing to win.

Til next time-
Sami Xx

This is the magical hill that i want to walk up

2008-08-12T10:17:00.000+12:00

I'll be down at the gym.. Just working on my fitness, she's my witness ;)

2008-08-10T23:20:00.002+12:00

Hi Everyone,

well i finally did it !!! I cracked the 100 kg mark ! Excited is the understatement of the year. But now what i reallllly need to concentrate on apart from getting the weight down on the scales is actually re-shaping and toning my body. So for this, i have chosen pilates. And of course walking as well. I went walking tonight and I'm proud to say that i got 6 km done in just under 40 minutes. I smashed it. I was so pleased. Which is really good because i have a fitness goal. For those of us who are Townsvilleites or familiar with the area there's this massive rock sitting right in the middle (just behind my house) called Castle Hill. To walk up and back is about 8 km, so it is my goal to be able to fit enough to get all the way up and back down that hill !!!! So i need to gradually ease myself into it. I'm going to put a picture up on the blog of the hill as soon as i can work out my new computer because my gorgeous husband has just bought me a brand spanking new apple mac desktop. The big big 24" ones. It's brilliant and i love it so much i'd have sex with it if i could ! Pretty happy with this weekend.. Apart from the drama with the dr on saturday of which i'll post another time- but long story short it'll be ending in a complaint to the health rights commission and the owner of the practice. I'm so sick of being fucked around !!!

Hope everyone else is keeping their motivation..

Oh and i've found a dress for my grandparents 50th anniversary party on the 27th of September (for which i'd like to lose at least another 10 kg for.. hopeful.. lol !!) So i'm pretty psyched up for that. Looking forward to it.

I'll write about the dr debarcle tomorrow if i can and post a picture of this huge motherfucker hill !!!

Talk Soon,

Sami Xx

The Green Eyed Monster..

2008-07-31T23:20:00.002+12:00

This blog is going to be a rant- you have been warned.

I know i'm not the best person in the world to keep up with the exercise and the good eating but i mean there are worse people than me that are losing a whole lot more weight. I know i've had a setback with the slipped band and that but it fucks me off no end to see people that were banded after me and have lost more. My health is also not in the best shape at the moment but i just cannot help beating myself and simply being- jealous. People lose weight at different rates bla bla bla.. you'll get there.. bla bla bla. It's just shit. I've been kicking myself cos I haven't lost more, it's like i've plateaued and now i don't know what to do. It just shits me. I've booked myself in for a fill on Tuesday though. Only having 2.5ml in is utterly ridiculous.

Now on to the rant about my doctors. I'm still having iron injections because i'm STILL bleeding. Yep you heard it right.. after all this time, i'm still going. They've put me on 6 progesterone pills a day and it's still not stopping it. I'm so annoyed. I'm annoyed that i feel like crap, i'm annoyed at the medical bills i have to pay and most of all i'm annoyed at their incompetence. Theior latest theory is that there might be some placenta left in my womb from when i had my daughter 2.5 years ago.. They dug some out during a D&C last year but they think i might have to have another one. I tell you what, if they do and there's anything in there i'll be taking legal action. They didn't find the first bit of placenta until my daughter was 14 months old so by the stage i had pelvic inflamatory disease from all that yukky being left in there for so long so then they told me cos of that infection my fallopian tubes are possibly rooted and to fall pregnant again i might need IVF. More money.. Theiving bastard doctors. So i'll blog about how all that crap goes down as it happens.

Finally, I have to DJ this party in a couple of weeks and i cannot find an outfit. Everything i look at is frigging horrid or alternatively made for a 50 year old. It's starting to become a major fashion crisis. This party is like two and a half weeks away !! At this point i'll be going to the camping stores to enquire about embellished circus tents.

On a more positive note i'm losing my voice. How exceptional when you work in a call centre.
Send me positive vibes people !!

Sami Xx

Weekly tasks are back like cooked crack !

2008-07-28T22:51:00.002+12:00

Ok, i know i've been slack on the weekly task front but i've been sick and tired and over everything. I've just been on a real downer the last week and being back on those nasty injections doesn't help. And being ravenous isn't real flash either just quietly ! So i've booked a fill for next tuesday and i suppose i'll just have to suffer the dreaded 101.9 til then. BUT this is where the weekly task comes in..

I have a magical exercise bike sitting in my lounge room that sits there looking lovely. My aim for the week is to ride the fucker for 45 minutes every day in a bid to try and get me under the hundred as quick as possible. I'm busting to be into the double digits.. Not that i'm behaving like it though i must admit. So that's the goal for this week.

I've had a really bad day at work today. I want to stab work through it's bastard demon heart. I was in the door for like 10 minutes and my team leader was getting up me.. Usually my TL is rad but today no way. PIssed me off no end. So then i was pissed from 8 in the morning til i walked out of the silly place at 5.20. I need to get myself organised, sort out what i wanna do and get on with it. If i'm going to do my degree i need to get on with it and stop fucking around !!!

I've been thinking to myself about this weight loss thing what i'd like to do for myself as an ultimate goal.. and as the Tiffany ring is out of reach at the moment i had to come up with an alternative. So, i was walking past this glamour photography place in Campbelltown when i was in Sydney and there was this pic in the window of this chick all done up but she was naked. You could see none of her bits but by george it was tasteful. It really was a beautiful photo. So i've decided that's what i'm going to do- pose naked. But i want the pic done the same as that chicks.. And after i get my tits done as well. I've never been brave enough to think about doing that but i'm motivated. I know i can do this. And so can all of you reading this.

Stay positive-
Sami Xx

Shit of a day

2008-07-24T23:38:00.002+12:00

Today started out fairly good.. (No movement on the scales but that's another story..lol) until around 2 o'clock when i get a call from my Dr's office (GP), saying come in the doc needs to see you about your blood test results so that's cool.. Arranged to flex off with my team leader and went to the doctors. Turns out my iron levels and stores are so fucked again from all this bleeding that not only aren't the iron pills i've been taking are not working, that i have to go back on injections every second day until my levels come back up. Now for those of you who haven't had experience with iron injections before, they're intramuscular and the only needle that's worse than iron is penicillin. They leave bick black stains and i'm talking the size of a hand wherever they give them to you.. And just generally they are nasty motherfuckers cos they hurt so bad. So i had one today and obviously did not feel like going back to work. I went a touch rank at my Dr telling him i'm over this shit.. I've spent hand over fist in dr's bills in the last year to get no answers and i'm sick to death of getting the same old bullshit story.

Then at work earlier in the day i chipped my tooth. I was soooooooo pissed. I grind my teeth and i got a splint a couple of weeks ago but obviously the damage has been done and yeah i chipped it. It's not noticeable but it's noticeable to me.

Then i get home only to fight with the commando cos he wants to go out drinking with his fuckwit mates. God he shits me sometimes.. All men are selfish bastards !!!!
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Peace out.
Sami Xx

Fill Update !

2008-07-22T19:14:00.002+12:00

So ok, i only got my fill this morning and i was thinking to myself wow.. measly 2.5 ml. Excellent. But i slept most of the day and only had a chance to eat some lunch around 4 pm and i tell you what- i have restriction !! Finally !! I'd almost forgotten what it was like.. Not getting things stuck or anything but there's ddefinitely a difference.. I'm so excited. Score !!! Maybe the surgeon was right about the thickening around the band.. Suppose i'll just have to get my act together and try and get below this hundred with this fill.. It's only like donkey kong bridget ! (We're both wavering around the same weight so we've decided to have a race to get to 99.9.. and also to not weigh ourselves til next monday.. that'll be murder !)

Does anyone have any comments or suggestions on what they would like me to talk about on my blog or how i can improve it ? I'd love to hear !!

I took the sweet life but never knew i'd be bitter from the sweet

2008-07-22T12:13:00.002+12:00

Where do i start today ? The last few days i've been up and down like a yoyo. That's an understatement. I've been so so hungry alll the time and because i get hungry then i psych out which isn't fun for anyone around me because my body goes mental. Thank god my surgeon got me in today so, yes.. I FINALLY got some fill !!! The Dr only gave me 2.5 ml because he said there'd be thickening around the band now and he doesn't want to fill me but i'm back in for review and possibly more fill in about 3 weeks time. The good news is my weight is staying stable so that's a good thing indeed. It's been raining in sunny Townsville which is a rare occurrence so the walking has been a bit stagnant but i did go on saturday so that's a step in the right direction. But otherwise i've been a bit slack.

Finally went to the GP yesterday about the fact that Aunt Flo is STILL here visiting.. I didn't really want to go because i knew i'd just hear the same old shit and didn't really feel like paying $100 bucks for that privelege just at that point in time. But i went. Now i'm back on the provera pills to try and stop the bleeding and give me a break for ten days or so. The only problem with this is that when you go off that wretched stuff you have the "withdrawal bleed." I can't friggin win.. And i'm so over it. I'm lucky to have lost as much weight as i have so far with all the other crap going on.

I suppose for now that i just need to be content with the fact that i have some fill.. I have a goal which i'll write about later on today. At this point it seems unachievable but i need to try anyway..

Sami Xx

Bleughh

2008-07-17T23:01:00.007+12:00

I've been sooooo hungry i could eat one of my lounge cushions or the leg off a chair or something ! And i've noticed that since i've had no fill my blood sugar is going everywhere from being hungry and then i instantly feel like i'm going to vomit everywhere. Ahhh the wonder of the band. When i'm filled i don't get any of that which is a godsend cos i'm one psycho bitch when i haven't eaten and i'm hungry !!

Got on the scales this morning and had put on 0.5kg. I was sooo pissed. Particularly when i've been trying so hard to behave myself- (although i am thinking that the pizza i had on tuesday night and the leftover pizza i had last night would not have helped the loss situation much. LOL !!) So tonight i've made sure i've been really good- watching what i eat, but unfortunately still haven't exercised. The Commando is out bush at the moment and so i've slipped back into the single mother role nicely.. this is my day.

5.30 am - get up and have a shower

6am - breakfast time and the various cocktail of pills i take

6.15 - get charlie up and dress her and organise her things for daycare

6.35 - drive the commando to work

7.15 - drop Charlie off at daycare

7.50 - work.. YUK !!!!!!!

5.20pm - finish work.. yay !!!

5.35 - rush to pick charlie up from daycare.

5.45 - venture to get the commando if he hasn't already got a lift and had a relaxing

afternoon at home..

6.15 - get home and cook dinner and put on a load of washing- yay.

7 pm - eat dinner

8 - try to get the little monster to sleep

9 - hang washing out

9.20 - chill on the net for a while

10-11 - somewhere here i crawl into bed..

This routine is all pending if the commando is home of course. if not it's all me.. so bathing charlie and all of that stuff i get to do as well- hence my week is incredibly busy and with my other problem i get tired really quickly and don't get enough sleep as it is by the time i wind down. When he gets back this time though i'm going to try and make a conscious effort to walk 5 days per week- minimum !! I've lost so much weight now that my belly and my boobs look like plastic bags full of water cos i haven't really kept up the exercise to tone my skin..

Anyway- this blog is a marathon.. but i'll leave you with this. a pic of me and my bestie at my 21st when i was weighing around 104kg.. i'm now 102 =Di'm the sexy blonde on the left. lol !!!

keep fighting the good fight everyone..

Sami Xx

Apologies for my absense

2008-07-13T13:46:00.004+12:00

Hey everyone,

Sorry i haven't blooged for a while- had a lot of personal stuff going on and had to whip down south for a bit. It's been a crappy week physically and emotionally.. So i thought i'd lose nothing cos i've been eating myself stupid and hardly exercising. But my goodness- does the weight loss lord move in mysterious ways ?!!!! I lost 0.4. Not much i admit but still a loss !!!! So i'm pretty ecstatic over that. Espeically given the surplus of emotional eating and that going on for the week.. And the lack of exercise of course.

And while we're talking about exercise, might i mention that it's STILL that time of the month. I'm so cranky. Cos now i'm at the stage where i'm almost blacking out when i stand up. It sucks so so bad. I don't know what to do cos the doctors don't know what to do without doing a hysterectomy (i bleed through all contraceptives. excellent.) I'm really at my wits end and i think that this is reallllly starting to stall my weight loss. Thinking i might go to my doctor on my day off and yell at him some more and get a referral to yet ANOTHER gynaecologist..

Failed the last goal miserably. Still trying to get myself drinking water.. And am definitely going to endeavour trying pilates. Apparently it's gold for losing belly fat (which i have plenty of. hehe !!)

Love to all guys,
Sami Xx

My goal..

2008-07-05T22:51:00.002+12:00

This dress is my goal. It's a Sass and Bide dress and i have it in grey.. it's so so cute and will look absolutely awesome with a nice pair of metallic sandals in summer. It was one of those things that i bought and has been sitting in the too fat to fit yet drawer for almost a year. This dress is my goal- it's what i want to wear on christmas day. It's a size 10 dress and it's just lovely. But i'd better get my skates on if i want to hit size 10 by christmas !!!!

Tough Week =(

2008-07-05T11:14:00.002+12:00

Hi Everyone,
i've had a pretty tough week this week. Been reallly struggling with everything. Working hard and seeing no results really sucks !! I had a deal on with Bridget that we weren't going to weigh in until yesterday and i got on the scales and hadn't lost a cracker.. I was so- deflated. Deflated is really the only word i can think of to describe my disappointment. It's very hard too because i'm still another 10 days off fill (my dr is away on annual leave..) So i have no restriction, i'm starving 24/7 and i can eat what i like. Excellent.

On a brighter note, i got on the scales this morning expecting to see 106 like i did yesterday.. and to my delight i see... drumroll... 104.4 !!!! So excited ! I'm still hurting from that silly pump class though.. But it must have done some good i'm thinking !! Bridget's going to start doing Pilates.. I'm thinking i might have a crack at it- it might help me relax and wind down from work.. Or maybe Yoga ? Does anyone know if these are good for weight loss ?

Keep up the great work guys !
Sami Xx

Damn that nazi Pump Bitch !!!

2008-07-01T13:23:00.002+12:00

Today i had the pleasure of attending my first pump class. It was less than enjoyable i must admit. I feel good knowing that i actually made the effort to get out there.. But my body is screaming at me for it. And food will no longer be an issue i'm feeling. Because i may never be able to move my arms OR legs ever again.

My husband came with me for moral support. I'm going to refer to him in the blog from now on as "The Commando". He's just informing me that it's good that i'm sore because the sorer you are the more energy you'll be burning trying to repair the muscles. That's a great thing to know. Big help. Thanks hun.

I'm thinking tomorrow night if i'm feeling upto it after work i might have a crack at Body Step. Not sure yet but i'll see how it goes.. I'm at work until 5.30 so i might be a bit knackered. But i'll definitely try.

I hope everyone else is feeling good and getting into. Bring on the fill !!!!!
Sami Xx

Enough is enough !!

2008-06-30T19:46:00.002+12:00

Right. I've had it. Absolutely had it up to the roof.

For those of you who don't know me and haven't talked to me before, i have a medical condition. One of many really but this is the one that makes everything bugger up. I don't have regular periods i bleed and bleed and bleed for months on end. This in turn makes me badly anaemic and then i have to have blood transfusions and all sorts of other wonderful things to make me better. So at the moment i'm up to week 3 and nearly blacking out when i stand up so i've decided enough is enough !!! They don't know what's wrong with me and i've been poked and prodded and had every test done under the sun for the last 12 years and still nothing. I'm so very over it. Last time i saw the gynaecologist he gave me these pills called Provera to stop the bleeding and said i need to take the pill (the pill makes me sick though.. go figure ?!) so long story short today i got jack of it all and started taking the Provera to stop the bleeding. And i'll have to try and take another type of pill i suppose.. I feel like absolute crap which is making it impossible to do anything and all i want to do it eat to get my energy levels up which doesn't work anyway.. And then i'm nearly blacking out all the time so makes it almost impossible to exercise. Drives me bloody nuts !!!!

Sorry for grossing everyone out but thought you should know the full story. And this problem settles right down and i develop a regular cycle when i'm thin. So i just realllllly need to keep my eyes on the prize so i can lose weight and fix it !!

Xx

Weekly task - week 2

2008-06-29T22:21:00.002+12:00

Soooo last week i conquered the vending machine task with flying colours. It was hard but i got through it. So i've had a good long hard think to myself and this week my task is going to be.. To choose water more over Sprite Zero. Now i love love love Sprite Zero to bits. But because of my love for it, i hardly ever choose water. So this week my primary task it to choose water more and my secondary task is to check out some of the exercise classes at the gym.

In the exercise department i must admit i had a bit of a win today.. I ran up a hill. That's pretty cool. It was a steep big hill too. I can't wait until my fitness is good enough that i can sling on my workout clothes and announce that i'm going for a run. That will be an exciting moment for me definitely.

What will be even more exciting is when i can get some fill in my band. That will make me very excited. All i want is to not feel hungry between meals like i was before my slip..

Soon hopefully. Wish me luck on this week's task !!
Sami Xx

So cranky i could tear my hair out !!!!

2008-06-28T23:51:00.002+12:00

I want to start this blog post on a positive note.

I won the weekly task.. and successfully stayed AWAY from the vending machine at work. how exciting !!!!!!!!!!

And got on the scales yesterday and saw 105.5 and i was pretty excited because the scales had moved.. Not much, but any move is a good move ! Until this morning. And i got on and saw 106.6. Pissed off is an understatement. I was so so cranky.. I've been working my arse off and it feels like for absolutely nothing. Not that i should be weighing mind you.. Aunt Flo is still visiting. For the 3rd consecutive week. So that's making me cross and sick as well. Just feels like everything is so bloody hard at the moment. I was expecting to see a good loss because i've stayed away from chips and coke this week but obviously i need to work harder...

I'm so frustrated !!!!!
Hoping everyone else is having better luck..
Sami Xx

PS. i'll post tomorrow about this weeks task

Weekly task - Big Brother style..

2008-06-22T22:37:00.002+12:00

Hi everyone,
after consulting with my motivator and just general arse kicker Gabs, i've decided to set myself weekly goals. I'm going to run it like a task.. Big Brother style !!!

My husband and i were talking today and discussing when i put the majority of my weight on. He said it was when he went to East Timor the first time.. However, within a couple of weeks of him going, i started at the job that i'm in at the moment. And this, i;ve decided is what's triggered the weight gain. I don't think. I know. Since i started there, i've changed completely. I'm stressed out all the time, on edge.. Anddddd there are vending machines in our tea room. Big ones. And i'm their best customer. I can sit at work and eat 2 packets of chips and 2 cans of coke PER DAY. Ans then in the afternoon if i'm bored i might have some chocolate. It's not acceptable. It's like i'm deliberately trying to sabotage myself and it stops now.

Therefore- this weeks task is to not go near the vending machines at all. Except for bottles of water. These are now a no go zone. The task for the week is to not have ANY chips OR coke out of the vending machines from work. I'm going to take Sprite zero from home instead. I'm thinking i should have a good loss if i cut these out.

Lookout Monday- It's on like donkey kong biiiiatch !!!!!

In the future where will I be ?

2008-06-22T14:11:00.002+12:00

It's been a reallly uneventful few days for Me. Hence why i haven't written anything.. But i just found myself screaming at my husband and shouting obscenities because i'm hungry and i'm so so over the liquid phase. Not that i've been realllly sticking to it when i'm honest. But i've tried. And i've had a good go, but i have had a few little slip ups. We all do though in this phase. We're human. However, we know what we should be doing and then when we cheat and eat our brain tricks us into thinking we're criminals and then we beat ourselves up consistently. In my case it's not because of what i've eaten or anything else. I just get the guilts because i can't stick to what i'm supposed to.. It's a vicious cycle because then you start feeling bad and like a failure. And then the emotional eating kicks in. Realistically though- the pre and post op phases are a bit of a joke. They don't ask junkies to go off crack two weeks before rehab..

It really really sucks. Like reallllllly sucks. And i can't have a fill for another 3 weeks or so- my Dr is on leave and out of town so no deal there. So i'm trying to do liquids- fill-less. 0ml in my band. Grrrrrrrrrr. No wonder i'm starving and cranky and have cheated. Not that that's a justification. Another contributing factor to my ravenousness though is the visit from lovely Aunt Flo. I have a lot of problems in that area so long story short i've had no visits for a few months and now it's been terrible for the last 2.5-3 weeks. And not normal- buckets. Lovely i know.. So to make matters worse i have no restriction, my hormones are all over the shop and they have been for the last few weeks and i want to eat anything that's not moving. Oh the joys of it all !

I hope everyone out there in band land is having a better time with it than i am at the moment.
I'm just hanging out to start exercising again and to get some fill. I'm starting to make plans. On the exercise front i'm going to start going to step, spin and pump. I'll hate it to start with.. But i know it's what i need to do to reach my goal. My band will help me with food. I just need to kick my lazy ass into gear and get to the gym to do those classes !!

H20= good !!

2008-06-17T17:23:00.003+12:00

Hey hey !

today was another interesting, eventful one. I started my day with a trip to the dentist. I hadn't been in about 10 years so naturally, i need a couple of fillings and i know i grind my teeth so they suggested i get an occlusal splint. Apparently this will help with my headaches as well and my teeth are reallllly hurties in the morning after waking up and grinding them. So they did one filling today and i have to have the others in a couple of weeks. I'm thinking, that i may become a dentist. $1750 worth of treatment i'll have in the next couple of weeks not counting today's $230 ! Crikey !

On the band front, i'm craving water. That's it, you heard me right.. WATER !! I know it's a random thing to crave but i think it's excellent ! I really don't drink enough of it to be realllly honest. And i need to start if i'm to get the healthy glow that i want. I updated my ticker today as well. Now i've lost a grand total of 17.7 kg since banding !! YAY me ! And i must say that all this slip business has sucked huge time, but my recovery has been much much better.

ughhh work tomorrow. god i hate it. hate it with the fire of a thousand suns.

think of me.. slaving away.

Sami Xx

ticker - lost the pin to the old one. silly thing. lol !!

2008-06-17T15:56:00.001+12:00

liquid phase. How exceptional.

2008-06-14T19:43:00.002+12:00

Hey everyone,
well i had my surgery on Wednesday and today is Saturday so i guess that i'm now 4 days post op. It's going pretty well so far but i must admit i'm with my family at the moment i'm finding the liquids thing a bit hard to handle again. It was hard enough the first time and i knew it was going to suck but just underestimated how hard.. again. I'm trying my absolute hardest to stay on the liquids and not cheat and sneak normal foods but my willpower is being so so SO tested at the moment. As i said, i think it's because i'm with my family and it's making it harder. God it sucks !!

Also, i've not done any exercise either but i suppose i have only had my surgery 4 days ago. I feel lazy and i really want to get into it- but i'm sore and i can't at the moment. So i feel lazy and then i feel guilty and then i want to eat and it alllll starts again. I'd love comments from anyone about how far into the liquid phase they cheated and ate real food. Not as a justification to make myself feel ok with doing it- because i'm reallly trying to do the liquid this time.

I just feel useless.
Yours in misery-
Sami Xx

i'm out of hospital.. now onward and upward !!!

2008-06-12T21:08:00.003+12:00

Hi everybody !!!

well i'm out and i survived ! only just though. My surgeon told Me that he was only going to pull my stomach through the band and re-suture but he told me this morning that he had to take the whole band off and do it again.. Not quite sure why but it's done now anyway. Feeling a touch like all My ribs are broken but apart from that i'm pretty good this time. I'm determind and i'm motivated and this is going to happen for Me. Even if i have to work my arse off for it !

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their well wishes- i appreciate them very very much. As you can see, i've changed my blog address (after some gentle persuasion from Bridget) I just couldn't work the other one out. So at least with this one it's a bit more idiot proof and i can post pics and stuff. LOL !!!

I've resisted the urge to get on the scales.. even though i desperately want to !! i just know that i want my goal weight to be around 68 kg. that might be a bit thin though cos i'm 174 cm tall. i shall see how i go definitely.

well i best go and try and sip sip sip.. and i'm going to try and add a ticker to this thing. get a bit techno savvy...

yours in determination.

Sami Xx

PS. i nearly punched on at the x-ray department this morning. the stupid heads made me drink that yukky aniseed crap. i wouldn't mind but far out it gives you the trots something chronic !!!!

Me at about 80kg

2008-06-12T20:59:00.000+12:00

And My reflection troubles Me.. So here I go..

2008-06-12T20:57:00.001+12:00

And My reflection troubles Me.. So here I go..
Goodevening guys,
well i'm home finally ! it's such a long drive. i had to come home and get weighed at my surgeon. and..... i haven't lost anything. but, the super news is that i haven't put on anything since i last saw him either. i reckon that's a pretty fair effort for having no fill ! but as i said in last night's post, i'm so so nervous.. i so desperately want this to work but it's so hard. i think- after all this time, that my head is ready. that takes alot for me to say because i've kind of felt like i deserved to have my band slip. i was naughty with the liquid and mushies stages and ate normal food, and i didn't chew properly.. and i was so so lazy. but i am confident in saying i've learnt my lesson.

this band has taught me so much already, not just about who i am with the band, but about who I am. i've been so lost and confused for so long i haven't even known who i am. and now with everything that's happened, i'm slowly beginning to feel like me again. and i haven't felt like that for soooo long i was trying to fight it, but i can't anymore.

when i get out of hospital i shall post about how it all went..
i'm not calling for a second chance, i'm screaming at the top of my voice
Posted: 8:22 PM, 10/6/2008

massive MASSIVE day !!

2008-06-12T20:56:00.002+12:00

massive MASSIVE day !
hi guys,
just a quick one tonight. had to drive to cairns this morning from townsville to drop my daughter off with my family while i have my surgery on wednesday. (my husband is in the magical army and is out bush.. mmhmm) and tomorrow i have to drive alllllll the way home and then see the surgeon. and then surgery wednesday. it's so so so hard. and i'm not looking forward to it. it was bad enough the first time. i can only imagine how excellent it'll be this time getting through all that scar tissue. lovely.

i hope all you other bandsters are holding down the fort for me in the weightloss stakes !! i currently have no fill in my band and i suck with a capital S. bring on wednesday. even though it'll hurt again.. and i'll have to be on opti for another 2 weeks.. again !!!
blog soon-
sami xx
Posted: 8:58 PM, 9/6/2008

yes i know.. i'm slack.

2008-06-12T20:56:00.001+12:00

yes i know.. i'm slack.
hey guys !
long time no see i know. but i'm just so so so technologically retrded these days i kind of put the blog in the too hard basket ! but a few little voices.. not mentioning anyone (trish, gabs and bridget) have told me to keep updating.. because it can be like my little online diary. even if noone reads it. so here it is.

i've been banded for a couple of months now (banded on the 13/02/08 and alot has happened in that time. i've gone from 123.8 the day of the op to now sitting on 107.8 today which is really exciting.. but my food choices havn't been great and nor has my exercise really. i've been a bit slack to be really honest. a couple of weeks ago i got a stomach bug and spent like 4 days spewing my hole out.. and i think you're going to guess what happens next. yep, you got it. my band has slipped. when my surgeon told me i was absolutely crushed. i initially called him because i thought the band was just irritated because every time i tried to eat something it was a no go and everytime i tried to have a drink, even water, it was like a gurgling sink. and then if i coughed or anything i'd throw up everywhere. (i even spewed down my leg and in my bed one night while trying to hold in the vomit and skip off to the toilet at the same time. LOL !) so he advised me that i should come in in the morning. i went in to see him and he took the fluid out which was a major relief to be able to drink again and he said he didn't think it was anything major, that i'd just irritated it with all the vomiting, but to get one of those lovely barium swallows just to make sure. and we all know the result of that. a slip.

as i said, i was devastated when he told me. utterly crushed. the dude in the xray department said it was fine it hadn;t slipped and then the surgeon came back to me with yes it had. i was so confused. the first thing i wanted to do was go over to the radiograpgher and punch him in the face because i was so SO upset. i felt like he had let me down. and then my surgeon came up with this magical plan that we would "manage" the slip. ie. not have surgery to reposition. but then i started getting all refluxy again and all that jazz so he called me back in last week and again took all the fluid out of my band (he put 3 ml back in when he'd told me it had slipped) and booked me for surgery which is next wednesday. so i've been having a pretty tough time of late. at one point there i just wanted the band off. wish i'd never had the silly thing put on in the first place.. but then i came to my senses and realised that i couldn't have lost the weight i have already without it and that i need to get it fixed and keep myself motivated and going.. and i still have another 40 kg to lose and i've not been able to do it on my own previously so i'm pretty sure that if i got the band taken off that my willpower would still be MIA.

i just need to tell myself that this is a good thing that has happened. and this time, i'm going to do it right. and update my blog !!

toodaloo

sami Xx
Posted: 10:56 PM, 8/6/2008

Hello out there !!

2008-06-12T20:54:00.000+12:00

Hello out there !!
Hi Everyone !
My name is Sam and this is My first blog entry. My blog is about.. drumroll.. My lap Band surgery. I was banded on the 13/02/08 in Townsville by Dr Peter Bovey (who might I say is a very clever rooster indeed !)
I wanted to start writing this blog because since I made the decision to have this surgery I have sourced so much support and have been greatly reassured by other bandits with blogs and now i'd like to share My experience.
The lap band is a huge decision to make. Let Me start by saying that i've been big My whole life (except for when I was around 19 and being a nightclub dj.. not sleeping and living on Duromine !) Now i'm 22 and i've decided I'm well over looking and feeling like fat albert 24/7. On the day I was banded I weighed 123.8. Now i'm stagnating on around 116. Still a good loss for around 5.5 weeks though ! I can honestly say to anyone out there who is considering being banded, that this is singlehandedly the hardest thing I have ever done in My life. But i'm sure that when i reach My goal weight i won;t be feeling like that !

Just wanted to give you a bit of a background about Me, would love to hear from anyone with questions, my email is little_miss_priss_is@hotmail.com,
So signing off for now..
Yours in losing,
Sami Xx
Posted: 8:38 AM, 25/3/2008